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New Location!!
02.01.07 (10:41 am)   [edit]
Woot Woot.. I'm back on the blogging train y'all and I've found a new line! Come chh chhh check me OUT: http://thenewadventuresof purs... Hopefully see y'all there!! Peace out y'all!
 
Yipee ki yea!!
03.10.05 (10:38 am)   [edit]

Howdy Y'all....


I figured I'd check in with my blog and share with you all the newest revolations in my life.... ha ha ha... Like my life is soooo damn exciting to you all out there or something... ha ha ha... Well.. I got 'the call'... I got the job!! I start Monday morning (insert nervous, shifty eyed, nail biting face here... ha ha ha)... I am soo excited.. yet soo nervous at the same time... I don't really know anything other than.. I start on Monday morning... I feel like I was sooo non-shalaunt and cool about things.. like.. "ok.. when do you need me to start?"... didn't really get any other info... ha ha ha... I even offered to come in on Friday (b'cus he said Friday or Monday.. my choice...) and he said.. oh no .. Monday would be fine... b'cus I mentioned I was still in E-town finishing up some loose ends... Speaking of loose ends... I should remember to do most of the really important things... I always find I need more of something that I can't get where I am at!! Like.. perscriptions!!.. I always forget to tranfers those... then when I need them.. bah!! I have to transfer all that crap.. and then they're annoyed b'cus I should have done it when I moved!! ha ha ha... Oh well... I'll do that today... and well.. I have nothing really else to worry about... We moved all my stuff in last weekend.. so all that's left now is working and well... having a good time!!


So this weekend I'm gonna go out shoppin'... gotta get office gear.. Yipee! I get to get me self a bunch of new office clothes... soo.. I dunno.. I was thinking maybe I'd go do some shopping tonight and some on maybe Saturday... I don't want to over load my shopping senses... I hate when I get overloaded with shopping and hate the adventure all together!! BAH!! ha ha ha... plus I am sure Thursday afternoons are far less busy than Saturday afternoons...  I am feeling really good right now.... things are going great! Last week I had alot of moments of doubt... the good ol' 'should I be doing this??'... 'do I want the change?'... ha ha ha... But after last weekend in our apartment.. and venturing around C-town.. on our own.. no friends.. (no T or another interest)... just us.. it was great! Sunday was beautiful.. but I was hung over... bah!!! ha ha ha... Damn me!! and Monday was even more georgeous... but windy!!... So we did manage to venture out on Monday... we walked our area... I didn't know I had a big red brick couch out front my place??... and we checked out the local cuisine... ha ha ha :wink: you know.. a girl has gotta know where to eat... Even though I find myself turning into a complete (Safeway) chicken whore!! ha ha ha... Almost everyday I go to Safeway to get chicken and salad.. it has become my new staple.. that and my Starbuck's... ha ha ha... So Daddy and I ventured out and checked out where my closest Starbucks and Safeways' are.... ha ha ha...  Ya.. things are going good... gonna be even better once I get settled into my work... and we buy our own place... (apartment living can be 'interesting'... I'll have to blog about it sometime... ha ha ha...) but.. hey.. that will come with time.. like everything else...


Well.. I just wanted to share my week... I'll be back again soon to share more of my 'new' life... ha ha ha... I'm still in transition... Sooo.. until next blog... take care y'all!


peace...
 
Maybe I just like to fuck with my own head??
03.03.05 (10:55 am)   [edit]

Hey Y'all...


I dunno why I am soo mentally fucked up!! What?? OK OK I should re-start this blog... I have been on a really really messed up mental trip these past few days... weeks... blah blah blah... maybe my whole life!! Ha ha ha ha... anyways... I have finally hit my limit of mental-ness ... last night I got so worked up and retarded about Daddy and his pending outting with an old acquaintence this weekend... That I finally realized I have been so retarded... Sooo stupid!! I got to the point of just completely verbally fucking up!! And honestly.. I am a lucky girl to have a such an understanding person in him.. I really feel like a complete heel!! A complete loser... and well.. I feel like I have really fucked up!! Soo... I am in a bit of a surreal place today... my first real day back at 'home'.... last night's arguments... and kitty cuddles.. and my fav. chinese.. made me really freak out even more too... I feared my life in C-town is gonna be really lonely.. I really got worked up last night... and in turn accused Daddy of being this and that.. and... well .. I was just being a complete tard!


So today... feeling like a loser... but realized... why do this again?? Why feel like this everyday?? He doesn't hate me.. and I don't care if I am hated by others or not.. all I really care about and am being mopey about is... how he feels.. and we discussed everything.. and he doesn't care about my words... and says I shouldn't... But still I felt bad.. he really is a great guy and deserves to be treated with more respect sometimes... Last night's actions made me realize that I am taking life way too serious... I am stressing out and freaking out for no reason.. other than my own mental insecurities.. and those should be kept to myself... soo.. I really have had an enlightening moment... I am gonna try to not 'care' soo much!! ha ha ha... I'm gonna try to not stress those out around me with my issues... ha ha ha ha.... Daddy doesn't think I have it in me... he says I am a high stress kinda girl... Soo.. who knows... maybe I am that kind of girl.. 'dramatic' .. and just about everything I don't like people thinking of me... I guess I have always tried to be stressed.. or live with stress... I guess I look for it.. I am a stress magnet.. by choice!! I choose to pick my problems and issues... and I seem to pick all the wrong ones!! Bah!!


Soo you see... maybe I do fuck with my own head, and I don't know why I am soo mentally fucked up!! B'cus I must be... in order to wanna be this mentally retarded about minor shit!! Anyways... I am hoping my mentalness is a combination of things... like my 'monthly visitor' you know all those lovely pent up emotions and hormones... and the anxiety of my big move.. not knowing if I am gonna get that job or not... not to mention the guilt I feel for the lost looks on my kitties faces.... and my poor G-pa in the hospital, there's that too... I really feel torn between here and there... geeze... I thought this was gonna be a snap.. I thought I could handle this.. and now I find myself going through moments of in between-ness... I feel like a double person... ha ha ha... This is miserable dramaqueen PJ today... hating life.. living here... have too much time on my hands to think about bullshit... to think about ways to mess with my head... b'cus Hey.. doesn't everyone like drama in their lives???


Ya I realized I was being a bit of an idiot... and honestly I should calm down.. and take time out to be happy and enjoy this time in my life... and I know my cats and my G-pa are going to be fine... and honestly.. 2 whole days and 3 nights apart from Daddy a week.. isn't that bad... and my cats will be living with me in a few months too... soo really I dunno why I am being so silly.... This is actually something we want... something we get really excited about when we are in C-town.. I really am gonna have a great time living there... I just find it is hard to sit in the 'old' and feel the comfort of 'home'.. and worry that it may never be like this again... and worry that my new 'home' may not feel as secure and comfy.. It's a weird feeling...


Well today I am packing my stuff :? weird... Going through my house.. "I'm gonna take this.. and this... and that.. " Seeing the kitties looking at me packing up larger chunks of home and not just a bag of clothes... I also feel weird about the way Daddy may feel.. it's like I am taking bits of his home too.... We talked about that last night... he says.. "no.. you're just taking a bit of our home here to our home there.." Awwwe... :( I feel so sad that he is so cute and I was such a bitch!! Sooo... ya.. I am getting my stuff together today... and tomorrow... I dunno if tomorrow is the big day.... or if we are gonna be moving down on Saturday... I think I might opt for leaving Saturday b'cus I have a tonne of laundry to do... and I wanna see my family before I go... I think my cousin is in town this weekend... So a family dinner might be good.. if they all have time... But we have to leave Saturday... we have plans that night .. Well... Daddy has dinner plans with an old friend... and me.. well I am gonna be at a 'Hooter's' BBQ... Meh!! Should be fun... At least I am hoping it will take my mind off things... but I am trying to do that myself.. so I might not need the distraction ... Maybe I'll just sit at my new home all night and bead... ha ha ha.. wanna come over Rox?? ha ha ha.. Ya.. So.. anyways.. I'm gonna be busy these next few days with packing and moving... and unpacking... Sooo.. I'll try to post you all when I am back up and organized... and a little less emotional and mental... not to mention 'dramatic' :wink: .. I love that one... I am sooo DRAMA right now.. Sooo.. until I calm down and get settled... you probably won't read from moi.. but don't worry.. I'll be back... sooner than later... I know how much you all (the ones that really know me.. Moms.. Pops... Rox.. and the others that happen to make it that were invited) ... like to read about how I am doing... and I'll keep you posted...


Peace out y'all.... take care..
 
Back for a moment..
03.02.05 (12:52 pm)   [edit]

Hey Y'all!!


Welllll... what an interesting last few weeks I have had... I must say these past few weeks have been probably some of the most emtionally charged up, and nerve wracking weeks I have ever had.... I have been on the hunt to find a job in C-town... I riddled my resumes all over town.. and I got a call!!... I went down to C-town.. and hung out for a few days before my interview with T... I had been trying to figure out what my life may be like when I am living there.... I tell ya.. nothing makes an organized girl go crazy like having to live out of a suitcase!!... ha ha ha.. So ya.. I was staying with T.. living out of my suitcase.. feeling like a total 4th wheel in her apartment.. She lives with her cousin and his girlfriend.. and well.. let's just say .. I could feel the weirdness of me being around daily... but I also thought I was feeling the bond between me and T growing stronger... My first interview went awesome... and I hoped for a call back... and what do ya know?? They called me back the next day for a second interview!! Soo... I had a few days more to hang in C-town... and the night of the callback... T and I went out.. I guess it was like a celebatory dinner.. my callback!! ha ha ha.. So ya.. dinner went good.. too good... I thought we covered alot of ground... I thought we opened up that night in a way that I thought was going to take us to a different level of 'friendship' .... The days after that evening... were odd... she was distant.. and well... I've been blown off again.. this time I got a reason... It's too much work, stress... and I'm too 'dramatic'... Well.. sorry if finding a new career, apartment, missing my kitties/hubby ... and wondering where her head is at... was being dramatic but there were somethings said and done on that night we went out to celebrate ... that I thought ment we were going somewhere... guess not... and you know what?? This time around I'm not wrecked... I'm not trashed inside.. and I couldn't care less if she never contacts me again.... Ya.. I'll miss her.. but.. I can always find another 'friend' ....


Soo... with all my T 'drama' I started to think... do I even want to be living in C-town?? Do I even want to be here fulltime.... missing my kitties... my hubby... Not having anyone here for me to care about me?? All these things I thought T was going to be... I thought she was gonna be with me almost daily.. that's what she said... but now.. now things are different... Sooo... the morning of finding out I was 'too dramatic'... I went to go to pick up my suitcase from her place.... I didn't even get a final goodbye in person... just a ... "call my cousin and pick up your stuff today while I'm at work... I'm tooo busy for this.... I'm sorry" ... Sooo... I go .. get all my things... and leave behind what I don't want to see anymore... and I left for good... I did write one last e-mail... and .. that's it!! As I was driving away... I really started to think... why?? Why am I even doing this anymore?? You know my mind got soo clouded by trying to make T ours.. that I never stopped to think about what I was really doing... what was really going on around me... I was purposly leaving my cushie life of not working.. no responsibility... for what?? I thought a week ago I was doing this all for T... I thought T was my reasoning... and now with her gone... I started to think... without her.. do I want to be here?? I honestly thought about running back home... I was going to ditch on my interview... and I was gonna leave my apartment sit empty... and come back home.. and forget it all!! BUT... as I was driving away from T's... I started to look.. I guess you could say soul search... I thought.. "no.. I should go to that interview".... and just then.. the phone rang... it was the interview confirming my interview time!! :shock: Is this a sign maybe?? I took it as one.. and started to realize.. it wasn't T... It was the life I was gaining from moving here... I had way more to gain from losing T... and still moving here... I no longer have the mental stress and emotional stress of being wanted or not by her.... and I have my friends... I had a great dinner with Rox and her Dad... an awesome day at the zoo with Twy and her Sissy and all weekend my sirogate Big Brother Stevey and his wife have been nothing but hospitable and I realized we have been missing this!! We have been missing our friends... our social life... Daddy has been in C-town with me for the majority of this time... During the weeks he was in E-town working the store... but during the weekends he has been in C-town with me... This past weekend we found me an apartment.... and I started to really feel it all yesterday...


Yesterday... March 1st.... will be a day that has changed my life.. at least for the next 3 months... quite possibly the rest of our lives... I had my second interview... I think it went awesome... I hope it did.. I'll find out sometime this week... keep your fingies crossed for me y'all... I also got the keys to my new apartment... Stevey and G came by as our first visitors.... It seems my floor has some excitment.. my neighbours seem to be 'friendly'... ha ha ha... Stevey and Daddy seem to think they may be more than two guys sharing a place... if you know what I mean :wink: nudge nudge... It was too funny... When we got out of the elevator... there were two guys waiting for it.. I say as the doors are opening.. "I'm looking forward to this apartment life thing"... ha ha ha... ding.. the doors swing open.. "ya this apartment life ain't that bad.." one guy says... ha ha ha... I turn red.. :opps: of course... Sooo... we venture down the hall.. laughing at my snafu.. and I go to door 710.. and say.. "yep I think we're 710"... and the other guy at the elevator goes.. "no 710 is the coolest apartment on this floor!"... or something like that... ha ha ha... Daddy mutters under his breath... "not anymore.."... ha ha ha... It was funny... and .. I think I'm gonna like my new place.... I am feeling soo great about things ...


Soo... this week .. I am back in E-town.. getting my stuff.. and I think we're gonna be moving my stuff down on Saturday... sooo we'll see I should be moved in by Sunday! Wow... it's been a fast month... but this month has been one that has shown me alot... and I can only hope that this move will bring more happiness for Daddy and I... and today when we were driving home from C-town... we both agreed C-town is gonna make our lives much happier... C-town is were we wanna be.... So.. C-townians look out.. b'cus here we come!! ha ha ha....


Well... I'll try to keep you all posted on things as they are happening with my life... everyday seems like a new one.. a new challange... something either 'dramatic' or boring going on.... Like my G-pa... my Moms called me yesterday to tell me that he is in the hospital and isn't doing good :( I may have a sad sad time in my life... losing my only G-pa... I dunno how I feel about that... I'm still in a mass of emotion over my impending move ... possible career... and well.. ya.. I got used to being around T... and I am sure that will hit me one day too... or not... who knows.. But with the mass of shit going on in my life right now.. I really haven't stopped to think my G-pa might not be with us very much longer ... WOW... I have alot going on... or is that me just being 'dramatic'??


Well.. I am gone... gone to lead my dramatic life.. and hopefully steer it into a more non-dramatic one... ha ha ha... But yes.. I have a busy few days ahead of me... ahhh the joys of moving.... I'll keep you all posted...


Take care... peace out!
 
Interesting week so far...
02.16.05 (12:59 pm)   [edit]

Hey y'all!!


Well I am back by popular demand :D or at least by my own command... ha ha ha... OK soo... you wanna know what Pursejunkie was up to while she was away?? Welll.... I will blog and share all my photos from my LA trip I went on back in December... but you'll have to wait for that :wink: .. I'll also catch you all up on me and what's going on... I have been a busy girl... I have been working hard on getting my shit together.. meaning: trying to figure out what the fuck I wanna do with my life?? ha ha ha.. Don't we all have to do that from time to time hey?? ha ha ha.. OK.. So I have been bored out of my freakin' mind doing nothing all day except for blogging and reading blogs... not that that is a bad thing to do all day... but when you are doing this day in and day out when you are used to making and meeting stressful time lines... and working all day... This can seem to be a tad bit boring after awhile... So I decided I want to work again... and that's what I have been doing... for the past month I have been job hunting.. and looking for a new apartment... You see... not only did I realize work would be a good thing for me.. but I also realized that having friends and a social life is a huge thing for Daddy and I too... Since T lives in Calgary and so does all of our other friends.. we thought that maybe having a place in Calgary and one in Edmonton isn't all that bad of an idea.... so this is the deal... I am gonna work fulltime in Calgary... and Daddy is gonna work 2-3 days a week at the store here in Edmonton.. the rest of the week he is gonna live in C-town with me... We're both excited of the possiblities having two houses and having the 'me' time.... We have been joined at the hip since we got together 12+ years ago... give or take a few weeks apart... but since I 'retired' from my last job.. we have been together 24/7 for the past 2 years... Not working all day and working with him all day... driving to the store.. home from the store.. showers... naps.. at the gym.. at the mall.. we're together through it all!!


There is just one tiny hitch to us having two places... me getting a job!! Now until today.. I had been assuming that after my first 2 weeks of living on my own and job hunting with no signs of being hired... I might head down to the local Hooter's and sling wings.... hey a girls gotta pay her rent!! BUT... I got a call today from a Calgary Petroleum Company.. I had applied for a Graphic Designer position they have advertised... and I am set up for an interview first thing Tuesday morning :D I am sooo excited!!! I hope this pans out to be something great... if not.. I also have a good feeling about another job I applied for... It looks like PJ might not have to sling wings after all!! ha ha ha... Sooo yes... the job hunt is on!!


As if my job hunt and move aren't interesting enough to type about.. I also got a t-mail from a person or persons making a book of blog entries... and they asked me if they could use one of my blog enteries in their book!! I was amazed!! :shock: Me?? You want what I typed?? What the heck did I type that is book worthy?? ha ha ha... Half the time I don't even know what I am blogging about!! ha ha ha..... turns out my turmoil over T... and my heart felt blogs about the angst I was feeling touched others too... they want to use my blog entry "Silent Sufferer" dated Friday, December 3rd, 2004... Man.. I remember that day.. FUCK!! What a month that one was!! Boy am I happy that the times have changed and for the better :D


Well... I gotta get going on doing the things that it takes to be me everyday!! ha ha ha... ya that's right I'm going back to playing cards online and chatting... ha ha ha... kidding!! Thanks for coming back.. and I know it's been a long time since I blogged.. I hope to stay up on my blogging in the future... soo stay tuned...


peace out y'all... and have a great day.

 
I'm back.. sorta... miss me??
02.13.05 (12:27 pm)   [edit]

Hey y'all!!


I know I know.. long time no blog!! I have been a busy girl.. between me getting over myself (back in Dec.) and with figuring shit out with my life... and well.. just plain not wanting to blog for awhile.. I have decided to type a bit to you all to tell you that I am finally feeling happy!! I have got someone special in my life again.... and Daddy and I are in the works of a new adventure in our lives... I am looking for a new fulltime career.. and well... I am really looking forward to working and living a life again!! For the past few years I have been in a bit of a lull.. and rut.. a place that was comfy.. but didn't really have anything exciting to it.. We had/have no friends here in Edmonton and the ones we did have moved... these past few months.. So with that all happening.. and with things further drawing us to Calgary, we are planning a move! I am re-locating to Calgary... So if anyone knows of anyone that needs a graphic designer in Calgary ... ha ha ha...


It's all very exciting right now... and the thought of having my beading buddy back (Roxgirlie) and my other close friends Stevey boy and his little lady.... and I have my long time ago friend Twy living in C-town too... we can finally re-connect with the old times again... And let's not forget one of the main reasons for moving to C-town... T.. I have to say... since she came back into our lives... we have never been happier... I guess since the last time I blogged I was on the verge of letting T go.. I had givin up on her ever coming back to us... Well.. on boxing day... she made contact.. and ever since we have all been building a great friendship... I couldn't be happier to have her back in our lives.... I hope moving brings us closer ... not only will we be happier about being closer to our friends again... but I hope to be the special someone T needs in her life... and her in ours...


Well... it's been a crazy busy and crazy happy last few months... I have so much more to blog about.. but don't wanna burn myself out... this bloggin' stuff is hard to get back into.... I hope to get back into my daily yip yap with you all again real soon... keep posted... lots of new stories coming up!!


peace out blog world... until next time.. stay cool :)
 
Mystery desto....
12.06.04 (7:25 pm)   [edit]
[b]Monday, December 6th, 2004...[/b]

Well... woke up this morning... and rolled back over... it seems I woke up way too early today! I for some reason have had the habit of falling asleep way too early and then I wake up at 5 or earlier in the morning!... So this morning... other than the fact that I passed out on the couch and woke up at 1 to crawl to bed... I managed to then wake a little over 2 hours later... thinking we have missed our chance at working out... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I've become obsessed with working out lately.. [i]well kinda[/i].. I find that with our days getting darker and darker with each passing .... I don't know what time it is even more... before at least you could see some daylight out of the cat cave... but now... you can't see nothing... until at least 8:30 or later!! I hate when it gets dark .... damn you daylight savings!! I really dislike it when I don't know what time it is... I think it may be time to get a clock back in our room... boo....

So our work out today was... well good for me.. I could tell meh for Daddy... He's been really pissy lately... not a happy camper... I guess that's what lack of sleep and downtime can do to a guy.... So... today we got our workouts in.. left early to get to tanning and we walk in there... and the place is FREEZING! It is like a sub-zero freezer for meat in there... there was no way I was gonna strip down and get on [i]an already cold bed when the temperature is normal[/i]... bed... I guess I just was looking for any reason to just get home and on with my day... I am actually kinda looking forward to sitting around all day ... [i]ha ha ha[/i].. Well actually I have to go and see the Opto... [i]again[/i]... it's my first week check-up on my new eyes! So... we get to the store... the thing is still standing.. [i]phew[/i]... It seems weekends and Corkey kinda mix well... Nothing seems to be overly out of place or fucked up... Well done :D ... So.. I hang out while Daddy goes out to get gas... I blog... he comes back and says... he needs to go out after I get back... So... no biggy... I wanna do a few things while I am out... but sure... I have no quames with that.... So away I go to my appointment... the Opto is ever so kind... in that flirty mid-30's man looking for some mid-20's girlie to flirt with him... probably b'cus he is on his second kid and is never home!! I find men now a days are either... great men... great fathers... great husbands... then there is the asshole... and it seems they cloak themselves in the drape of the great father..hubby..man.. yada yada... I see it all the time at the gym.. and at work.. it's sad... I am just thankful to see that my hubby is a great man, hubby, cat daddy... yada yada... [i]he he he[/i]... But it's true.. there are some good men out there.. don't get me wrong... But still... I think there is alot more no so great ones out there... but they could claim the same for women... so... I guess we're all frauds now aren't we??

After my appointment I decided to coast through the mall Chapter's.... I have become kind of a coffee lover again... well not really lover... b'cus I have only managed to drink 2 in the past month... but I find when I go to my optos I go for a java afterwards... Starbuck's still my fav... I know.. some may hate them... some may love them... but they are my fav... So I start riffling through Purciville to find my wallet... [i]b'cus I purchased a book for super cheap[/i].... and I discover it's not there!! :shock: OOh! Now I start to think... fuck.. where did I leave it?? Then I recall... I had it out in my coat pocket yesterday b'cus it was snowing and I didn't want Purcy to get snowy... So it's still on the shelf in the kitchen.... phew... but then I think... OOh no!! :shock: Do I have enough for the book and coffee?? Which shall I give for the other?? Oh no!! The dilema I faced... I had 10 bucks in my pocket... :? ya I know.. go figure... So.. my book was 4.99... and my coffee was.. 4.25... somthing like that... I think... So anyways.. I get up to the till.. buy the book[i].. and he says [i]"that'll be 3.20"[/i]... [/i]"$3.20??" I was confussed for a sec... [i]"Yep.. $3.20"[/i] he says... So I pay the man and go and get my coffee.. I didn't have to have the small size after all.. [i]he he he[/i]... As I was riffling through Purciville to get at my wallet to put my change away :wink: ... I noticed my phone was vibrating... yes I know to some this may seem exciting... and to me it is for a totoally different reason.. it ment I had a text message!! Yeee... either it's Oli... or Daddy... it's Daddy.. he's just checkin' up on me... I guess making sure nothing bad has heppened to little ol me yet... I guess maybe he is worried about the roads... They are kinda shit... So I get back to the store and he goes.. [i]"well.. gotta go"... [/i] [i]"uhhh.. ok?" [/i].. I wonder where he is off to so fast... ??... So I sit and turn on my fav tv program... and relax... it seems my eyes are doing fine and so am I!! Just as I am relaxin and maxin at the store.. I get a call from Daddy... "you wanna go somewhere tomorrow?" ... "uuuh.. ok!" I claim... he then goes "good"... then click! ??? Wha ?? What's Daddy up to?? So I call the cell back.. nothing.. bugger is playing games with me!! I sit and wait for him to call me back... he's getting all the prep done for the week b'cus it seems we're on our way outta town for awhile... He won't tell me where or for how long... but we're outta this snowy f'er!! He says... pack for 20's... So I figure.... Vegas?? Hmmmm... we could use some Vegas life right now... Or maybe he is taking me to New York?? He has mentioned wanting to take me there... but 20's?? Nah... so that makes me think... Vegas... but.. we'll see...

After work we rush to get to our tanning appointments... since this morning was antartica!! The beds were hot tonight!! Lying there makes me hope for a sunny destination... where we can lie in the sun.... [i]Ahhhh[/i]... lying there in the bed makes me also think about how today is one month since we met T... [i]*sigh*.. [/i]I know I wasn't gonna think about her... but.. I gotta admit.. she's been on my mind... So.. [i]anyways[/i]... we head home after that to do laundry and pack for our desto.... Sooo... all you bloggers... until the next time I get the oppo to type you all... take care... and have a good week!!
 
Home for the weekend!
12.06.04 (9:22 am)   [edit]
[b]Saturday - Sunday, December 4th-5th, 2004....

Saturday...[/b]
First off I would like to start today saying.. "happy birthday jigga man"... It's his ?? b-day :oops: I know such a fan I am... I do know that December 4th is his b-day though... So I am sure today he is waking up beside his fine ass looking woman having breakfast in bed and having a rager of party tonight!! Man to be famous for one day... the shit you could do... So anyways... up I get.. in my not so glamourous bed...Well it's nicer than any other bed I have ever had ... but it's no.. celeb bed I am sure... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... So anyways... I woke up in a cold sweat and a missing Daddy... Turns out he has been up since 3 this morning :shock: poor guy... He is having problems sleeping again[i].. Boooo... and I thought he was cured!![/i] I on te other hand have been slipping into lazy mode again... blah... I slept in until 7-8ish... I hate when I get up late!! The gym is always such a zoo in the mornings if you don't get there first thing... But... there was a different factor today... It was FREEZING COLD outside and lightly dusting snow out... and for some reason.. people don't go out in the snow [i]or maybe it's the cold??... ha ha ha...[/i] Well at least they'll put off getting to the gym first thing... and opt for a few more cozy hours in bed if their day allows it... But no.. I want to get up and go! I actually really dislike it when I don't get to the gym on time b'cus it throws my day off completely... Welll... went to the gym.. there's a vibe you can tell they are having their christmas party tonight... All the employees either missing[i] (mostly the women... have to get their hair done... such an affair to blow money on... [/i]:roll: [i]) [/i] or buzzing around the gym... Sometimes I find myself envious of those that have affairs to attent to... But then other times I feel like... people put on such an act and show just for one night... They'll blow hundreds of dollars on dresses... shoes.. undies... cosmetics... getting their hair and make-up and nails done... and all for what? For all their co-workers that they normally can't stand during the regular week??... It really sometimes baffles me the amount of work some people put into it... I see this year .. Sumi [i](used to be fulltime front desk girl now only saturday desk girl) [/i]... has taken the day off ... again... to get ready... Yet last year I recall a pissed off Suni b'cus she spent all day getting ready and felt like shit all night! And she refused to do it again this year.... Well I haven't seen her in the past month... so I don't know how hyped she was... but I am sure she was stoked and she obviously booked the day off b'cus she wasn't here... she must really be getting ready!!

Well after my mental garbage at the gym ... [i]bah humbug![/i] I started to try and plan out what we can do today... but if the meowing of our kitties is any indicator of what we should do today... We should be staying in... and I think that's what we mostly did... Well actually after a failed attempt to go to the mall... [i]fuck christmas man!! [/i]and 1 failed attempt to park at the grocery store... we managed to get to the store... [i]b'cus we had to go..[/i]. and got home in time to spend most of the afternoon with the kitties... But we did have to head out... we did make plans to have dinner with my parent's they got a new kitty and my Mom is super excited for us to come and see him... We figure if we want to be up past 7 o'clock we should try to have naps... well that didn't happen... Which made for kinda an off night... I don't think dinner went as great as it could have... My brother is ill... owing us money and probably feels bad about it... so he was kinda weird... my cousin and her boyfriend were away for the evening... so we were unable to see them... And... well money and my parent's ... came up and that never really goes over well... or at least I don't think... Sooo... with us really being bagged... snippy... and well just plain tired of being up!! We headed home to bed... hopefully tomorrow I will be able to wake up and have a decently normal day.... today didn't seem to register ....

[b]Sunday...[/b]
Today slept in... kinda... Still managed to get up by 8 and make it to the gym at a good hour.... Today there is NO ONE on the streets... it's like everyone is on hangover day or something... Like they all had a big party last night and we weren't invited!! [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I really hate it when we fall asleep at 9 or sooner... [i]So pathedic[/i]... We managed to get our workouts in... :oops: Look's like Mom's roast beef has but some weight on me.... Boo!! But so good... I love my Mom's gravey... and I was looking forward to the meal... I guess I also could have nixed eating the pie too.. but nah!! Why not?? I have been feeling a little low.... and I know.. eating out of depression is bad... but... it tastes soooo goood!... So anyways... today we haven't really got any plans.. pretty much... laze around the house... The cats are still meowing like little banchees... You'd think we didn't see them for a year or something!! Man it was just 3 days!! 3 days cats!!... So... I hung out on the couch all day while Daddy tried to catch some zZzZz's... Which didn't happen b'cus he got bothered by phone calls!! Poor fella... He was not in a good mood... and since last night's family night... and his Dad calling us for another family night tonight... GRRRR... Daddy wasn't a happy camper... again... Soo... we ditched out on dinner with the other folks... and we went out and got some grub... Came home.. porked out... and went to bed.... What an enjoyable day.. hey??

Well.. I hope you all managed to at least see or do something this weekend... other than your television set or upset cat... [i]ha ha ha[/i].... Until tomorrow... take care y'all...
 
Silent Sufferer...
12.04.04 (9:06 am)   [edit]
[b]Friday, December 3rd, 2004...[/b]

Well... I woke up this morning in a bit of a confussion... What to believe?? I want to tell my brain to forget all about these past few weeks and move on... but my heart aches for T... I want to lie to my brain and tell it nothing has changed... but it knows... it saw that she has eliminated me from her chat life... It knows how she isn't answering my calls... and it definately knows it has no hope for any sort of future with T.... I decided fuck it... I'm not going to let this get to me today... So up I get and away to the gym we go.... The gym was average... manged to do more calories today than previous days... Musta been the burger I had last night :wink: I have managed to stay around the 122 mark on the scale... I am mucho impressed with that... :D especially since my drinking has gone way up!! Alcohol = empty calories.... boooo.... So.. I'm gonna try to get off the hootch... I've managed to slow down on the Diet 7-up... I am down to maybe 5 cans a week.... YA that's right I said per WEEK... 5 cans... not cases... cans! I think I've managed to kick that habit... I think I can manage to kick a few more too.... candy is almost a distant memory for me too.... I'm gonna try really hard these next few weeks to get into lean mean shape... I plan on making some of my plans reality next year... hopefully 2005 will be the year for me!!

Well... I decided to be really silly... I called T... I have her work number... I called... Voicemail... bah!! Shoulda figured.... I saw that coming... but I thought maybe I was wrong in my head... I thought maybe she would answer and tell me she had to cancel her msn account or some shit like that... but... no... she is avoiding me... I write a final... [i]"ok I get the point... sorry.. take care of yourself and I'll always be here if you need me.. I'll fuck off now"[/i] e-mail... I hurts to feel so rejected... I really thought if anything we'd be friends... I am feeling at a loss for friends... I have NONE... ya ya.. there's you guys in C-town [i]and Daddy[/i]... but serious... how often do we see each them?? I mean... there's no plans ever... we never [i]really[/i] plan on doing things together when we are in the same towns and... well.. I just don't find that we ever get visited as much as we visit them.... So I just hoped I had found someone that wanted a friend to visit... a friend to chat with daily... and friend to hang with weekly... whatever... it's all gone now... and fuck it!! I don't want to cry!! I don't want to lose it again... I don't want to go down that spiral of depression and not caring... putting on weight and shutting out my world... FUCK! :cry: Why??? I hate this.... but then again if I pulled my head out of my ass for once I would realize I am doing exactly what I don't want my single friends to do when they are single... I'm letting myself feel like shit... I making myself pine and I am doing everything I tell them not to... I am hanging on to something that isn't going to be real... ever!! So.. if I took this moment to take my own advice .. I'd realize... she's just not that into me! [i]ha ha ha[/i]... But it's true... she's gone and I should except that.... and I'm NOT going to let myself get 'K'ized again... I'm not going to sleep in until 10 everyday and eat shit all day... I'm not going to pine away everyday and think of T every time I see a car like hers... or hear her name.... I'm not going to do that to myself again... I can't... my life is too great to get all caught up in emotion... if there is one thing T has shown me... it's good times... they come and they go... But if you are happy with you... you can roll with the punches... I wasn't happy with myself when I met 'K' online... I was trying to make someone like someone I didn't know.... When K turned out to not be who she was... I got lost... I was fucked ... mentally... emotionally.... I couldn't handle it... I'm NOT great at rejection.. BUT.. that was [i][b]then[/b][/i].. this is [i][b]now[/b][/i]... I have enternal sunshined my brain.... I have sealed my good memories of T and I together... and the rest... well.. they're gone.. they left when T did...

I'm such a lousy liar... Daddy can read it all over my face... I've got the 'eyes'... the.. [i]'she's gone and my joy has left'[/i] eyes.... He asks if I wanna talk.... [i]nah[/i]... I'd rather not cry on his shoulder and suffer inside... but I break... I cry... and cry... and cry some more... and I thought I shed all the tears when I wrote my final e-mail... but I guess not... I have come to realize that [i]"hi this is T (blank) with (company) and you have reached my voicemail please leave a detailed message and I'll get back to you"... [/i]would be the last time I would hear her voice.... Hung over in a hotel room... wasn't how I thought I would see her last.... I'm glad I got to hold her.... and she held me.. I felt that... it was real... I'm glad I got that moment... but I've got to let go... I've got to let this out.... So I cry... until I can't cry anymore...... [i]Ahhhhh... [/i]I think I've finally got it out!! K... so on with my day... today when we got off from work we decided to bunker in at home... We got bored after uhhhh... maybe an hour of that!! [i]ha ha ha[/i]... So Daddy wanted to antiquing... he really wants to get his friend a gift... I see the joy in his eyes... he looks so happy that he has someone in his life to care about.. I swear the guy lives for people to care for!! He is such a caring guy... It made me miss T even more... I really wanted to have a special friend to care about... she really did light up my life for the brief moment she was in my life... I so badly hurt!! FUCK!! [i]Shhh... ok.. silent... [/i]So we search... up and down the isles of antique world... All the old reminants of past childhoods... weird... all the My Little Ponies and Cabbage Patch Kids... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Wow... All the weird shit you see there... but no accoridians or harmonicas .. nothing really.. well maybe the nice armour... but.. that's it... So we then ventured home... we've had a night... we watched pay preview and ate chinese[i] (for me)[/i] and pizza [i](for Daddy).... [/i]We were supposed to do something with Oli tonight... but she is all messed up with her schedule.. she works nights... so during the day... she sleeps all day... and well.. by the time we got home... ate .. and were on our way to sleepy land... she texted me: [i]hey!! just got up.. whatchya doin?[/i]... Yikes... she just got up?? It's 9:00, and we're planning on going to bed soon... :shock: So I texted back.. [i]we're lazy fucks.. gonna watch a movie and go to bed.. sorry.. maybe t'morrow?.... [/i]I guess she's a busy girl.. tomorrow isn't good... and our phone chat ends with a [i]maybe sometime later[/i].... just like everyone... maybe later....

So.. [i]maybe later [/i]if I feel like it I will blog... until then... take care of yourselves....
 
The day I lost mine and Daddy got his back...
12.03.04 (9:27 am)   [edit]
[b]Thursday, December 2nd, 2004...[/b]

Wanted to do an hour and a half of cardio this morning... you know... burn off all that KFC I ate last night :oops: ya I know KFC?? What was I thinking?? But it was sooo good... we enjoyed it ... royally... So today I am feeling a bit guilty about it... but oh well what's 3 pcs. of chicken and fries and gravy... [i]and.. and... ha ha ha ha...[/i] Well I guess it's all fatty shit but oh well.. a girl's got to eat during the day!! So this morning we manged to wake up early... and rolled around in bed for about an hour... This morning my contacts were better... way better... yesterday morning they were crusted shut!! And then I couldn't focus for the first 1-2 hours of my day!! It was crazay!! But today they are much better... I'm a happier girl today... So off to the gym... don't get our hour and a half... but still manage an hour and a chat with Penalope... before we had to head off to tan... Man note to self * Don't try to do situps for awhile... today's situps killed!! I only did half and I almost cried... man these ribs hurt....

Tanning was nice... and relaxing... I've been trying to have a clearer happier mind about me... I'm trying not to over analyze anything... Today is kinda a weird day for me... you see... Yesterday.. Daddy was told by Cork that his old friend 'K' came into the store on the weekend looking for him... and she asked Cork to ask Daddy to give her a call... now .. run down with Daddy's 'K'... this is an old old childhood/school friend... he used to have a huge crush on her for years and years and she was his "dream girl"... now skip ahead 10+ years and Daddy and her meet again.. this time.. he is much older and with someone (me)... and she is also much more older and with someone... So they hang out... rekindle their friendship... but when her and her boyfriend split.. that's when Daddy kinda became her dote on man (or soo it seemed in my head) ... They were always hanging out while I was at work... and I never got to spend anytime with them when they were together... I felt like the hidden girlfriend... So I freaked out... gave some ultimatums and Daddy made his choice... Now I didn't tell him to NEVER hang out with her again... I just said I didn't want them hanging out together alone... or during my work hours... it wasn't fair... So anyways... it made things weird for them and they thought I hated her.. and well.. they lost touch.. and since Daddy has searched for a friend that he can call his own again... Well flash ahead another maybe 3 years... and we see K again in the mall... Daddy and her exchange info.. and well... nothing came of it.. but then she showed up here on Sunday... and now.. they're going out for drinks... and Daddy has his friend back.... I realize now... just like then I had nothing to be jealous or mad about... I think it was more the principal that Daddy was out having fun with someone else while I was at work... and the fact I let my mind play tricks on me... So anyways.... this afternoon Daddy makes a covert 'outting'... probably to give K a call.. and he feels akward with me around... I realize he is giddy and happy as a clam to have his friend back again... I'm happy for him... K really did make him happy....

So.. this evening we had to go to the warehouse and pick out some extra stock for christmas... Yes fun stuff... We went to the mall afterward to check out what's going on there.... I though maybe the new sea lions would be out... but no... No sea lions... Boo.. Soo we venture around the mall... make it past the pet store... awe... weinie doggies!! Too cute... they're so tiny and adorable... To much responsiblity but cute... After our mall visit we ventured home... it's thursday night!! Survivor and CSI night! We get home just in time to watch Will and Grace and Joey... before my two biggies... I have missed sitting at home... I've been so worked up trying to make a friendship work... and haven't been in our house for a weekend in 4 weeks... it has been nice to veg on our couch tonight... Daddy goes to bed early... he's bagged... He's had a perma grin on his face since him and K talked... Iwished I felt that way again... I think T will come around... I think I will speak to her again soon... but I miss her and the down time between is hard...So anyways... Survivor was good.. glad they got rid of Ami... Booo I didn't like that girl... good move for the team.... and.. well CSI was a re-run... So I ventured up to the computer.. I know.. bad!! But I was hoping maybe someone might be around to chat... well as I analyze my contact list I decided to do a check to see if 'someone' still has me on their list.... Well.. I paruse... and... SHE HAS REMOVED ME FROM HER LIST!! I am no longer on T's msn list... ???... WTF?? bu.. wha... I tho...???...???...??? I am at a loss for words?? I was soo hopeful that things were gonna work out... and now... gone! So I call her... first her place... I got her cousin's girlfriend... I forgot it was soccer night.. she wasn't home... So I phone her cell... and leave a stupid message... I hate myself right now...

Without trying to shed a tear I sucked it up... and headed to bed... *sigh*.... fuck! Just when I thought my days might get better... all of this!! At least Daddy has his friend back... one good thing came of today I guess...

until tomorrow .. take care y'all
 
Lonely Hearts Club
12.02.04 (9:50 am)   [edit]
[b]Wednesday, December 1st, 2004...[/b]

Woke up late this morning :shock: Not like us.... We are normally up at the crack of dawn! Oh well... we needed to get some sleep.. We haven't been sleeping all that great lately... [i]grrr[/i] :evil: Normally I can sleep like a log... and lately... bah! Shitty sleep... Soo.. when you get a good night of it... you tend to feel awesome about it! :D We still managed to make it to the gym... After last night's pizza gorge I had to get on that machine.. I wanted to do more... but these ribs are still bothering me!! Ya... they are still a pain in the side... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... So I try to lay it low on the machine a bit .. you know.. maybe heal up a bit... But no way when I ate a whole pizza the night before :oops: Ya... [i]he he he[/i]... well in my defence it was only feta cheese, NO mozza, tomato sauce, and fresh tomatoes... and it was a medium and Daddy ate a piece... So I shouldn't feel that bad.. I can remember a night or two [i](or dozens.. ha ha ha) [/i]we choked down X-large pizzas and 2-Litres... [i]each[/i]!! Bah!! Daddy and I can be gluttons sometimes... but not this month.. [i]ha ha ha[/i]... So.. after last night's chow down I woulda figured extra weight.. [i]heh[/i]? Well.. Nope.. well actually .1 of a pound... and what's that?? Anyways... I was thrilled to see that I didn't go up dramtically... I find whenever I have my huge chow downs the next day I show up and the scale says I gained 6+ pounds!! Yikes! It's probably all just water... or sitting all inside me still [i](ewww)[/i].... I normally tend to level out the next day... but sometimes I don't ... That's when I gotta bring out the big guns!! [i]ha ha ha[/i]... my good old UK Cosmo and 2 hour cardio bouts... I think I'll load up my mp3 player with new tunes... I'm craving some new inspiration.. I'm a bit muted right now...

So we get home... and I have a make up crisis!! Yikes!! [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Well it's not a severe one but it does make my belly do flip flops and makes me think about someone I hoped I could get in the back section of the brain for a bit... But no.. I have this conflict... of mind and heart... You see... I am a make-up godess... I love to do my make-up daily and I love to corodinate my eyes to what I am wearing.. [i]ha ha ha.. [/i]Ya I know soo lame.. Anyways... I opted for my nude top.. nice.. busty looking.. very casual yet has a flair of sexy... Iron er up.. and go to do my eyes... as I dish through my eyeliners.. I discover Buttery is missing!! Damn!! That's the one I need!! Where is it?? I dish through my tackle box... and nothing.. Buttery is m.i.a... So I think.. Hmmm... Tawnie?? Well.. he'd have to climb up here and dish through them all just to find buttery.. unless buttery was an innocent victim!! Oooh no.. poor Buttery.. if Tawn Tawn took him and hid him somewhere he is gonna be m.i.a. for awhile... and it looks like I'll have to get a new one if I wanna really do the 'Nude' eyes... So anyways.. I started to think more... and I realized... on Saturday.. when I was at T's doing her make-up I had my kit... When we were doing her make-up I lost my balance and landed on her bed and spilled all my brushes and pencils all over her bed... So maybe it is in her bed?? I dunno.. and now I wonder if I should just do a typical friend thing and e-mail her and ask if she's stumbled across it in her nightly journeys?? or if doing that would come across as some sort of ploy to lure an e-mail from her? [i](Since she hasn't written me or called in days) [/i]... This is actually a make-up crisis!!... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Nothing to do with getting her to talk to me... [i]ha ha ha[/i].. So I type her.. nothing out of the normal.. just hi.. my eyeliner?.. bye... I don't want her to think I am trying to be sleazy or whiney... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I don't know how you could do that with a 'have you seen my eyeliner' e-mail... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... But I am paranoid... I read too much into things... even what I type.. Like I wonder.. by saying.. [i]"if it is there... could you put it aside? and I will get it the next time we're in town"[/i].... I think... was I giving her the impression that I want to come down to get my eyeliner?? [i]ha ha ha [/i]B'cus honestly... my nude shirt can wait for it's eyeliner match... It doesn't require another trip to C-town anytime soon....

Well... I had to go and see Dr. A again... So I drop Daddy off at the store and head out to the Dr... As I drive.. alone.. and listen to my music full blast.. Feeling the sun on my face... it felt awesome!! I belt along with the songs... I got Gwen's new CD.. love it... Sing to her all day... I have been trying to have a more positive outlook on life theses days.. I find when Christmas comes and well.. winter sucks... and I hear it's supposed to be -20 this weekend... WTF? Ya.. so It's crazy... I get depressed... and badly... So this year I don't want to let it get to me this season... I get to the mall and there is a petting zoo set up.. there is a cute wallaby bouncing around... I wonder what the little guy thinks of as he sits there staring at the kids yelling and poking at him? I feel bad for the little guy... I get to the Dr.'s... and the receptionist sees Purciville... [i]"Is that real?" [/i]She screams... [i]"ya" [/i]... I roll my eyes.. [i]"how much was it?"... [/i]BAHHH!!!! I hate that question... have some cooth people!!! [i]"I dunno.. my hubby got it for me".[/i].. I was [i]really[/i] much nicer than I wanted to be ... She then yammers on about a LV purse she loved... but she didn't know the shape or size or the make and she was just rambling on and on... So I turned to Purciville.. rip the magazine out of his gut and read away... I think she got the hint... I don't talk shit...

Turns out the eyes are normal... the discomfort and driness I experienced last night was common... So I have to come back next week and see him... So off to see DoDo to book me an appointment... Our day was another busy one at the store... Daddy surprised me with getting Corkster to come into work early... We left early and descided to go shopping.. Even though we both hate it!! But for some reason... today... we've been in the mood to get out... I wanna just entertain ourselves all day so we can make it to the next... [i]ha ha ha...[/i] Then do it all over again... It's just sometimes I think maybe tomorrow is the day everything works out... maybe... right??

Tonight we decided to also hang out and have dinner with our buddy D... He going through some hard moments right now too... You see little D fell for a girl that lives further away... and she left this morning... He has been sitting on his couch all day watching a 5 sec. video clip he has of him and her in a warm embrace and kiss... He looks like I did [i]actually... [/i]like I still do... I can tell he is hurting and his eyes are full of doubt and he is questioning whether he is ever gonna see her again... I know it.. I can see it in his eyes... We think.. [i]hmmmm... [/i]maybe we'll go to N-town [i](where she is from)[/i] and visit D's little lady... While we're at it I can see HO and her new baby... and my sick grandpa ... he lives in N-town... and I guess I could visit my other relatives there too :roll: Even though sometimes I wonder if I should even bother since I feel no one would go out of their way to visit us... unless of course we lived on a warm beach somewhere... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... But wouldn't we all visit that relative if we could?? [i]ha ha ha[/i].. So ya.. D is hurting.. and has been staring at his camera... Seeing that five sec. clip of D's T... I wished we had done something like that... I wished we would have been more thoughtful... I would love to have just a five sec. clip of her... her smile.. her laugh... I miss her... Fuck... here I go again....

So after our lonely hearts club meeting ... Daddy and I headed home... What a day!!... I tried not to type her... I tried to not think of her too... and honestly I didn't want to shed a tear over her either.. but I guess I fucked that all up today!! [i]ha ha ha[/i].. there is always tomorrow... And until then.. I'm gonna leave you all... hope you all have had a good day... and take care of yourselves....
 
Fight Night!
12.01.04 (11:37 am)   [edit]
[b]Tuesday, November 30th, 2004...[/b]

Woke up this morning... feeling groggy and semi-new... I was up late last night typing away to T.. [i]again[/i]... and I feel like I have really gotten things off my chest.... I was able to get out that my e-mails aren't ment to be guilt tagrets and when I am pining away in my mails about not being able to understand her thoughts... It's not ment as a personal attack.. I'm just trying to get into her thoughts... that's all... So.. with those words.. I feel like I have said all I can say... and I am going to go on with my days knowing that she is in my heart... but only as a friend... Upon my awaking this morning I was a new woman!! I was going to take on my day.. and be normal... NO MORE CRYING! ... The gym was calling our names... We haven't been there in a few days... and I must say.. I've missed it... It seems like the gym is the only thing that keeps me getting up everyday [i]lately[/i]... We get up at 5-6ish in the mornings and mosey on down to the gym at an early hour... Do our cardio... yap with 'Penalope' [i](the new gym girl).... [/i]and head tanning... Our mornings are quite scheduled that way... No different today... up at it at 6 and on the eliptical by 7!... I've got an opto appointment this morning... So I've got to be ready earlier than normal... Feeling awesome!! The scale today.. 122!! WOO HOO!! I'm almost there!

So.. home.. shower.. get ready and rush to the Dr. I have been trying out some new contacts and they are great!! But I got bitten by the 24/7 contact bug... You see.. Our buddy Stevey has them... and when I saw him on Saturday we yapped about contacts and we got going on his new 24/7 ones... Turns out he loves them!! And claims that they are the cats ass!! So I've got to see this... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... So I mention to my Dr. I wanna try them out... and I end up having to make my Dr. do a whole bunch more work... He now has to have me come in tomorrow... next week.. 2 weeks from then... and then another 2 weeks from then!! But after about a month of observation I shouldn't have to come in anymore ... and I won't have to wear glasses anymore!! Yeah!! Since I am not a canidate for eye surgery, my prescription changes by .25 + every year! So for anyone that knows anything about eye sight.. that's not good.. and until I can hold a solid prescription for more than 3 yrs. I am not a canidate... BUT no worries... I can wear 24/7 contacts and feel like I can see correct without glasses... and without the feeling of having contacts in... I guess these lenses breathe a huge % more than normal contacts... and you never have to take them out!! Yes that means I can sleep in them too... So no more glasses suck to my back when I wake up mid sleep... [i]ha ha ha[/i].... So.. in I pop my new eyes... and away I go... See you tomorrow Dr. A.....

Feeling like a new person... my eyes feel awesome!! I thought those other contacts were nice and light.. man these ones I can't even feel in my eyes! Off to work for the afternoon... busy day today.. Huh.. peeps must be getting out of their houses and buying... after all it is only 25 days until Christmas!! Yeowsa! I hate Christmas... and honestly.. I was [i](still kinda am) [/i]looking forward to it this year... We're getting the fuck outta dodge! We may not be on a sunny beach somewhere... but we are planning on taking off out of town for a few days... just to be on our own for once... GAWD!! With all the guilt trips and bullshit you get put through by your families or your in-laws... BAH!! I don't want to feel like I am leaving someone out or feel obligated to drag my ass around town here there and everywhere b'cus Auntie Kay [i]that we never see [/i]might be offended if we don't go for a drink... BAH!! Fuck that... not this year... maybe I'll get sloshed Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Day in bed.... [i]ha ha ha... [/i]That will show em... :? Or would that be me that is shown?? [i]ha ha ha[/i].....

Well.. our day was great!! Did good on the sales... hopefully this will keep up... We need a good month.. We were gonna go and see a movie tonight.. but we decided it would be better to go home and finish watching the ones we rented last night! Soo... off to home we go... only to get into a huge fight over... well.. just plain bullshit... and it led to hours of yelling... crying.. and confussion... Just what I have been looking forward to... [i]ha ha ha... ya right!! [/i]I wasn't in the mood to have the convo we were having tonight and I ended up getting quite upset... You see... Daddy asked me a question.. [i]that has been asked many many a time in the past and pretty much the same reaction occured those times too... [/i]He asks me ... in a nice nutural tone... and I snap! Honestly.. I have been silently suffering inside from insecurities and self doubt... and for Daddy to ask me the question he did... I felt like he also was attacking my inner being and I lost it! Yelled.. screamed... made the kitties run... and I cried and I cried... until I couldn't fucking cry anymore... man.. I'm a wreck inside!! I finally got my shit about me... and desided the topic at hand wasn't an attack and we cooled our jets and the kitties made their way back into the room... It's always cute how they know when you are upset... they wanna snuggle with you.... Both my cats couldn't get close enough to me!! They must know I am a wreck inside...

Finished our movies... and ventured up to bed... my eyes are starting to dry out... and since I can't take these contacts out... I'm gonna try to sleep in them and see what happens.... So... until tomorrow... Hope your nights have gone better than ours.... and take care y'all...
 
Longest day of my year soo far....
11.30.04 (9:18 am)   [edit]
[b]Monday, November 29th, 2004....[/b]

Well this morning we were up and rarin' to go by 4:30 am! We had to hit the roads and drive home this morning from C-town... and work a full shift at the store... I did something this morning that maybe I shouldn't have... I left a note on T's car before we left town :oops: I know... it could come off stalkerish... but it was purely out of 'like'... I just wanted to say good morning.. I was thinking about her and how awfully ill she was yesterday and how she thought she might have food poisoning.... I worried.. and I hoped she wasn't still wasn't feeling bad... I thought a little note might cheer her up :D .... Maybe instigate a note this morning back?? As we drove home I wondered... what the hell am I thinking... why am I really letting someone take ahold of me like this?? I realize that she is being aloof and coy with me and I am being sooo typical right now with all this ... [i]"she said she had food poisoning.. and she was at a co-workers all night".... [/i]:roll: I realize that these excuses may be legit... but they may not be... and for her to be torn up about 'what if's' with us... Then... that's not good... If she even has a doubt as to what we are doing here or if we are gonna step out on her like her ex did... Then BAH! I have tried to show her different and lately I have been feeling like the hidden person... I am feeling things inside me that maybe I shouldn't be... a bunch of 'what if's'... and I don't like this lack of communication we have right now and I realize it may be b'cus I am nothing more than a friend that lives out of town and occasionaly chats with her or e-mails her dumb mindless fluff e-mails.... and I should start to except that and move on... it's just a little more complex than that though... When we see each other and when we hug... I do feel more there... in her words when we do speak... her words are tender and affectionate... or so I am reading... and that's my problem I am reading way way way too much into this... Daddy suggests I try to relax about this all... and realize she IS a friend.. and she did see us... and she did ask me to write her... so what's the big deal?? But for me I guess I need more emotional support than that... Just a friend.. but more than that.. doesn't really cut it ... if I never get to see you or chat with you anymore!.... But if that is all you want from me ... then tell me that.. B'cus honestly I can't live every damn momnet of the day pining over all of this... I have done it for a month now... so NO more... I have got to buck up.. chin up! And take this like any sissy girl would.... [i]ha ha ha[/i]...

After my shower cry.. deep breathing... and new pair of clean panties... I felt like a whole new girl... until I thought about her... I saw the computer... and still no signs of her.. then again I haven't written her other than my note on her car window this morning... But still .. back in the good days she would type me a little hi bye note in the mornings... and later we would e-mail confirm a possible chat date that night... I was never really pushy about it.. :? Or at least I didn't think I was... I would always leave it up to her schedule... Some nights we wouldn't chat at all and I wouldn't fly off the mental bender... But now.. with barely a mail in 2 weeks... a few calls... and well a very funny and akward afternoon together... I don't think this past few weeks has bared well on this blossoming relationship I thought we once had... I am thinking it is now time to type this all out and find out what's the gig?? So I type my little heart out... I type so long and so hard ... I shed a few tears.. laughs and hopes... I open up in a way that I hoped I was hitting some sort of soft spot... I know these mails must be very irritating if you are trying to lose someone... but I am trying to get that ... I am trying to find out what it is that is keeping her from talking to me about all of this?? If she doesn't want to work it out ... tell me.. FUCK! It's not like we are in grade school anymore.. but she tells me she wants me to be there for her to work it out... :? Sooo... I am left with my heart out on my sleave for her to watch.... She likes it.. I think... but likes to toy with it... maybe??.. Or am I being toooo overly skeptical... I feel like I don't have any sort of way to get the answers I am looking for unless I badger her with my thoughts and words....

But I guess BADGER is the key word to that sentence.... b'cus she hadn't written back since I wrote... and well we had a lazy day today and went home early and were in bed by 6:30!! SERIOUS!! We were sleeping and in bed by 6:30! Sooo... She hadn't written up to then... Well.. my dreams and nappy time weren't all that great... Well needed the rest was... and well... I feel like I am at work again.. Thinking the whole time I slept about what to type or say or do... I am such a mental mess about this situation I cannot even sleep right!! Well at lease not without dreaming or thinking out [i](in my dream) [/i]what I am going to type that may the the miracle break through line of the month!!

Up at 11:30.... :shock: eyes WIDE open.... I stagger to the computer... No one online [i]well.. the original away'ers... but no one to talk to[/i]... I feel so alone... My day has been so long... With work... driving home... T... Shitty sleep these past few weeks... I am a complete mess ... and I realize I wrote T this afternoon to say I'm not gonna do this to myself anymore... but I did it to myself all damn night while I tried to kid myself into getting some winks... So... What to do.. no e-mail... T still hasn't [b]A. [/b]read my e-mail.. or [b]B. [/b]doesn't care to respond or maybe [b]C. [/b]is busy.... I am hoping she hasn't read it or is screaming busy... but I fear she isn't in the mood to respond... I think [i]or feel [/i]like I have turned into a psycho date that you can't get rid of... But in truth.. if you told the freaky date to go away... then you have every right to ignore him... but I haven't been told to go... and when I see her or speak with her... she wants my words of affection and embrace?? She reciripcates... So I get all wound up again... So since my mind has been racing since my last mail to her... [i]which hasn't gotten a responce[/i]... I chose to type out more... and more... and more I did... I feel that e-mail is my only form or mode of conversation with her right now... I feel like if I call her I am being creepy.. I feel if I am online all night she is hiding from me... I feel like I have victomized her and it is eating me apart!! I was only trying to be what I thought she wanted!! So now I am up at 1 am and I am typing to T still.. and our buddy D shows up!... Chat buddy!!... He is going through some girl probs too... poor guy fell hard for a girl out of town too [i](geeze sound framiliar) [/i]... has only been with her for 4 days... but feels like she could be the one... he used a great metaphor for how he was feeling... he used Romeo and Juliet... He said he has been like Romeo pining and whining over Rosalynd... Then when he sees Juliet... it's all Rosa who?? [i]he he he... [/i]it was too cute... and I must admit.. I have felt that sort of connection too... and it is weird and hard to find out in days what the other is thinking... She's gone on Wednesday... and poor D will be left in the question boat with the many many droves of us... wondering.. should I have said this?? or that??... [i]ha ha ha ha... ahhhh... so pathedic are we?? [/i]Well.. D left.. and I finished up my mail... I think I managed to finish it in 2-3 hours! [i]ha ha ha... ya [/i] :oops: Some of these blogs are doozies too... Anyways... I finished up... figured I could try to get a few more winks before gym time.... and hopefully I can wake up tommorow and feel normal again... think about other things other than my own self misery.... B'cus I am not the only one.. and honestly I have no real reason to be! So.. :D No worries.. I will live to smile another day!

So until tommorow y'all take care ...
 
Reality Check...
11.29.04 (10:20 am)   [edit]
[b]Friday - Sunday, November 26-28, 2004...[/b]

[b]Friday...[/b]
Well... my week has been... well.. not normal.. I'll admit it.. usually we have no one and it doesn't bother me... Normally we aren't in a realtionship way with someone and normally I never let someone get so under my skin... But T has it crawling and I don't know what to do with myself anymore... So last night I waited... no T... So I type out a note to say my good nights and once again yammered on about how much I wondered what is going on... We had made half assed plans to go to C-town... and I had mentioned this to T... But our plans for going to C-town fell through and it was T's e-mail this morning that made me want to go to c-town anyways.... I thought it read she wanted to see us and was willing to make time for us during our stay in c-town over the w'end... Even though she was busy... she has her christamas party to go to tomorrow night... and she didn't expect us to be in the area... So when I read that she was gonna be realxing and watching movies and would love to host us... I thought.. let's go... Well.. I don't know where shit went wrong... but I called her... she was supposed to call back... and she didn't so I wondered... and I called again... and got voice mail... so I wondered more... until my mind couldn't wonder anymore..... It was a long night... and I have never felt like such a huge let down before... I admit.. These past few weeks have been harder on me than they have on Daddy... He cares about T but he also realizes that it's probably not going to work out... it never does so therefore he has no hope in this to work out either... and I don't blame him.... it's starting to look hopeless....

[b]Saturday...[/b]
Since neither one of us could sleep all night.... We were both up and bright eyed and bushy tailed for the gym... I tried to be as normal as I could... knowing T didn't call all night.. and her car was out late last night... and knowing I am in the gym she frequents.. We happened to have been booked at a hotel just not even a block away from her place... you could see her drive way and everytime you went anywhere you could see if she was home or not... I know very stalkerish!.... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I was in her turf... and I could feel her vibe all around me.. I wanted to see her... but didn't want to push her... Her e-mail yesterday stated that she was interested in seeing us.. tomorrow ... for brunch or something... she didn't quite say... So I wondered.. "should I phone her today to confirm tomorrow?" So I called.... and we talked... and she asked me to help her out with her make up for her chrustamas party... Since I seem to be sooo good at it :wink: So I agreed.. of course... And Daddy had plans with the boys anyways... So my afternoon with T was well.. typical girlie fashion... We yapped.. we did make-up and I watched her do her hair... It was nice to see her again... I hoped the feeling was mutal... So.. she had to go and we made plans for dinner on the other end of town... We offered to be T's DD... but she declined ... We tried to confirm tomorrow with her bfore we left... and she says.. "I'll call you tonight... "... I say.. you sure?? We can talk about this right now.. She re-confirms.. "NO I will call you tonight when we get settled..".... We walk her to her car... give her a hug goodnight... and wait for her call... and like a fool... I cry myself asleep again wondering.. why?? Why doesn't she call??

Sunday....
Up all night again... this time even more thoughts of awefulness going through my mind!! I wonder where T ended up... and I wonder if we are gonna see her again... Since we crashed at a room all w'end we had hoped T would have shared an evening with us... but with not knowing anything.. and her not calling me or even telling me her plans... I am lost.... and we wonder.. should we keep the room?? or go home?? I call T... she answers... (good sign)... and she sounds wrecked and wants to see us... just as soon as she can get her wits together and get herself back to her car and home.... She'll call us.... Well.. she called... she came over for about 2 maybe 3 hours... we ate.. we cuddled.. kinda... and she got ill... She left and we were left with a room for another night and it was only 4! I wanted to go with her.. I wanted to comfort her and try to make her feel better... but I know when you are ill like she was... you don't want people around you .. cuddling and trying to make you feel good... Even though I am a super suck when ill... I feel so lost... Was she really ill?? Or did she not want to spend anymore alone time with us?? I senced a bit of a vibe from her... has she lost interest... was she even interested at all?? These past 2 weeks since we last left her... have changed alot of things... and I just don't know where we stand with her anymore... and for me.. that is the hardest part... Once again my night was filled with tears of confussion... and it starts to sink in... this w'end could be a reality check... I should take it... and move on if it is.... I need to get over this crush... if T isn't into having more than a friendship... than I shouldn't care so much and I do... So it looks like I may have to get out the goo old e-mail typing fingies....

Anyways... until tomorrow... I hope you all had a good weekend... and take care.....
 
I've lost that 'sick in the gut' feeling....
11.26.04 (8:37 am)   [edit]
[b]Thursday, November 25th, 2004...[/b]

Well today I got up and felt like my ribs may actually be starting to feel better... I can barely feel them this morning... But.. to humour Daddy I decided to do stairclimber instead of the eliptical b'cus Daddy feared it may be my arm movments that was irritating my ribs... So.. I did stairclimber... Well I don't recall sweating so much during an hour of eliptical... but I managed to only burn about half the amount of calories than I normally do on the eliptical... So?? I feel like I got an exercise out of it... but I wonder how off the calorie counts are?? I know those damn things never seem to be accurate... but when they are off by 300 cals... I wonder am I really getting a work out on this machine? Anyways... my legs feel tingly and I am happy with my amount of sweat.. ha ha ha.. Shows how much you've really done :wink: Sooo... I am in a much lighter mood today... I feel alot better with myself and the situation I have been going through... The mornings are usually always the worst part of my day when I don't know what's the deal with T... but now that we have had the oppo to clear the air and be open about what we want out of our friendship... I truely feel like our relationship is going in the right direction... I just wish sometimes I could be there more for verbal support since she seems to need a friend... or I think she does....

So.. we had work.. ya.. real fun.. I know!! Ha ha ha... I get to type T today!! I'm happy about that... ha ha ha... I know I type enough on these damn blogs how on earth could I want to type more?? Well.. I do.. and I love typing e-mails to T... I just have feared that my daily jibber jabber and how I am feeling e-mails where too much for her right now ... but I asked... and she said she misses my mails... please type her... So.. I got to type! Daddy once again being the business man he is ... plus being the good son he is has been out all afternoon doing things for his family... since his Dad is at home on bed rest... Daddy has been going out and getting his Dad magazines and dvds to keep him entertained... After my mail is written and I have informed tblog land of my daily thoughts and escapades... I get bored... I wish I had someone to chat with during the day... when I met T.. we chatted a bit during the day.. That helped during the silent lonely times when Daddy isn't around... Listen to me.. I sound like a puppy dog!! wimper wimper... I sometimes so badly want to be left alone.. but when I am alone I hate it!! [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Geesh.. no wonder Daddy always says us 'women' are soo confussing... we are!

Well tonight we headed home to hang out and tonight I am supposed to chat with T... It's also Survivor night!! Wonder if the man will make it or not?? Ha ha ha... Us cunning women.. muhahahaha!.... Sooo... hanging out.. watching the tube... the show was.. well.. exciting!! I didn't expect to happen what happened... I'm glad the women did something to stir it up... As far as my chat with T went.. well it didn't... But for some reason .. tonight I am not paranoid and worried that this is a bad sign... Even though a little bit of me did worry b'cus I divulged some info maybe I shouldn't have... But.. I didn't think she would have really been creeped out by what I had said... and I was sure that she was just busy with her soccer tonight... Since that's what night Thurs is for her.. Soccer night!... Soo.. I write a good night... and say I hope to speak soon... and call it a night... I like the fact that my gut isn't killing me tonight... and I don't feel ill and wonder if T is thinking about me... b'cus I know... she is...

Well... I dunno if I'll be posting tomorrow.. I might be heading out of town for the w'end... yet again... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Sooo... have a good weekend y'all if I don't type atcha tomorrow!.....
 
Back on track....
11.25.04 (10:47 am)   [edit]
[b]Wednesday, November 24th, 2004...[/b]

Well I had a better sleep last night than I have had in a few days... I must say... I woke up this morning relieved and worried all in the same breath... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I am such a nut ball... I now I spoke with her.. but I worry that she still will be a no show... I guess I have been mentally damaged by our last attempt at finding someone online ... that I fear this one is the same way... but like my friend Oli always says to me... "don't judge me by what others do.." and it is true... T is not K... and I do trust that I will chat with her tonight... I just wonder?? Will it be the same... or will things be different? Soo... anyways... I decided I wasn't going to let that little voice in my head yap about T all day and over analyze every damn thing... so I shut that part of my mind off... My workout this morning was uncomfortable again... but I can tell my ribs are getting better... they don't hurt as much... but then it could be all the advil I have been taking to... [i]ha ha ha[/i]....

I got to try my new lenses out today!! WOW they feel so much better than the other one I had... I think the eye doc might have been onto soemthing.... I also feel much happier about alot of things going on in my life today... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I guess thats the difference a phonecall and a good sleep makes.... Work today was slightly on the boring side of things.... I haven't really been typing T these past few days... so I have had extra time to type blogs and think about things... It's also got me motivated to change up my blog a bit.. so over the next few days/weeks... my blog might be a little fucked up from time to time... But I am sure with my pefectionist eye and mounds of time... it will be the best look my blog has had yet!! Designing our store ad for x-mas to send to the newspaper got me going on wanting to be a bit creative... I don't seem to have any outlet other than type... and lately I think Daddy is getting sick of all the click click clicking I make... I got to find another outlet I guess....

Tonight was a night of waiting... we sat and watched shows on dvd... and waited for our T so show up... But... as the night started to grow longer I feared... she isn't going to show... Daddy's eyes got droopy and he headed off to bed... I continued to sit and wait... I thought maybe I was supposed to call her?? Maybe she is avoiding the computer ... did I mis-construe our chat plans? So... since I decided I didn't want to worry about this anymore I called her... I didn't want to spend a night crying again... I don't want to do that anymore.... What did I have to lose?? Soo.. ring ring.. ring ring... My thought got a lump in it.. and I started to wonder ?? So stupid I know... Just then "hello..?"... 'hi.. is T there?' .. I coyly ask.. since I noticed some frustration in the answerers voice.... "hi!"... I just walked in the door...".. [i]ha ha ha[/i].. we had a laugh about how her voice sounded really frustrated and I told her about how I didn't know if I was supposed to call or not... We hung up and continued in chat... we had a really great talk.. and I realize.. T is in this for the long haul with us.. she is just hurting over her ex and she needs time to heal... but she does want us to be with her during that process... So.. :D ... That's all I wanted to know!! I definately will sleep well tonight.... and on that note... have a good one y'all... and until tommorow.. take care of yourselves!
 
Bad Daddy??
11.24.04 (9:15 am)   [edit]
[b]Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004...[/b]

I sat awake from approx 2 in the morning until approx 4... All I could do was cry my eyes out and sing to myself…. With everything seeming to be going to shit around me the thoughts of my days getting worse before they get better are overwhelming… I didn’t get a mail from T all day… thus making it 4 days since we have made any sort of contact with one another… Well actually 4 days since T has made any contact with me… I’m starting to slowly come out of this denial I am in and realizing … T might not write… and we may never see her again… and it makes the tears in my eyes swell up more… and I start to sing to myself… [i]“tap on my window.. knock on my door… I wanna make you feel beautiful…. I know I tend to get soo insecure... it doesn’t matter anymore!”[/i]…. Maroon 5...They always make me want to cry when I think of the sorrow in Adam’s voice as he sings about losing his lady love…. [i]“and with a tear in my eye… she gave me the sweetest goodbye… That I ever ever ever did receive…”[/i]… [i]“you’re never coming back to me… and that’s not the way things were supposed to be…”…. [/i] I fucking hate it when I do this to myself!! It’s a good thing crying tuckers you out… I managed to squeak in another hour or so of sleep before we had to get up… I have a optomitrists appointment today… First thing… and then after that I am going to go and see my Dr… My ribs haven’t gotten better at all in the past week (plus)… and they seem to be hurting more and more with each passing day… I could barely go to sleep last night they hurt so bad! It could be my mental state… maybe b’cus I am feeling so shitty about myself mentally… that could be why the ribs are hurting soo badly these past few days… But honestly… it isn’t my mind that feels the excruciating pain I feel when someone touches my left side… it my ribs!!

Needless to say the workout was… well.. interesting… b’cus of my sore situation…. I thought I was going to have to stop within my first 5 minutes… my side killed!! But then I pulled it out of my ass and managed to blow out my hour and start my new leg toning … I’m gonna now try to make my body more toned now that I have most of my fat burned off…. I am super happy with my results… I have lost almost the whole 22.5 pounds I set out to lose in mid October…. I started at 142.5... And today I weighed a cool 123.2... Man.. This mental turmoil I am going through with T is sure helping the diet!! [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… kidding… but no joke.. I haven’t managed to think about anything but T and how to make things work out… I want to reach out again but fear I am reaching out too soon… or not soon enough… I find myself a mental mess…. and not thinking about anything else (including eating) but her…. I used to be like a starved dog.. thinking about food all the time! [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… I once read somewhere that if you leave your dog's dish out all day, he will eat when he wants and not eat it all in a giant gulping slobber fest when they get fed… they supposedly only eat like that when they don’t get fed all day… and the reasoning… b’cus that’s what they do all day… they think about food!! So therefore when they get food all day they think about being a dog and not eating food… I wonder if that would be reality?… I recall our family dog eating everything... her food… the cat's food… the kitty ‘treats’ left in the litter box… [i]yuck!! [/i]She’d eat anything she could… maybe she was just a hungry hippo?? Or maybe eating everything is being a dog?....[i]Ha ha ha…. [/i]So… ya.. my mind hasn’t been thinking about food… I have lost most of my weight… and now I am toning up…

My first appointment today was the optomitrist… I have been noticing I can’t see that well… and I needed to see him… But not only that.. I have some eye issues… I get eye [i]‘gunkies’ [/i]and I dunno why… I thought maybe it was my contacts… but I get them when I do or don’t wear my contacts… I thought it might be my make-up… but I get them on days when I am not wearing make-up at all… So I wonder… why the eye gunkies?? Maybe it’s allergies… so I have to find out… I also noticed my left eye’s contact never seems to fit my eye right… I wonder if there is a measurement that they might have wrong when ordering my lenses?? I dunno..??? So… I ask him… and he guesses it’s my contacts... the brand that I am using… or he thinks… So I have to get some tests done… he has to flip my eyelids inside out and observe my eyelids for bumps… ya.. Yummy.. I know!! [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… But have you ever had this done to you?? It is the grossest feeling ever!! And it turns out I do have the bumps… they aren’t as bad as he thought they’d be… but they are there… gross!! So.. I am on a new contact lense and under observation… funny story… while I was in with the doc… I also had a different test done… which takes a pic of the inside of my eye… veins and all… well with my last few days… and the water works I’ve been putting on my small veins were all aggravated and it showed… so the doc goes… [i]“has anything changed in your life lately?”[/i]… I say [i]“nope not really“… [/i]I’m such a liar!! Anyways he then goes on to tell me about my little veins and how they are aggravated and swollen… looks like I might have been crying… That’s when I say.. [i]“oh well I have had an emotional last few days… yes I have been a cry baby”… ha ha ha[/i]… cry baby is an understatement!! [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… So he goes … [i]“Oh??… Well that would be it….”… [/i]Then he asks me to scoot over to get another test done… and I show my discomfort and say [i]“ouch!”… [/i]my ribs hurt and it showed for a second… the doc then goes …”[i]sorry.. Did I hurt you?”…[/i] I reply.. [i]“Oh that … nah!! It’s not you… I have sore ribs…”[/i]… [i]“Sore ribs?” [/i]he enquires… [i]“ya.. It feels like I have been kicked or punched really badly on my left side…”…. [/i]You should have seen the look on his face….:shock: I swear… the guy looked at me like… [i]well.. [/i]like I was an abused spouse… he goes to me.. [i]“have you been?”….. [/i][i]ha ha ha ha … “No[/i]!” I reply…. [i]“and I haven’t been crying the last few days b’cus my marriage is in trouble… ha ha ha…”…. [/i]It was kinda a funny yet awkward moment… this isn’t the first time a man has looked at me and wondered if Daddy has been the one to inflict pain on me… Yet SOOOO far from reality… Daddy would NEVER hurt me… but … he has been perceived as the ‘bad’ guy a few times…. I guess I am just too fragile… The first time Daddy was suspected of hurting me was when my brother bruised my wrists… we were horsing around and Jay had my wrists held tightly… anyways one thing led to another and my wrists ended up getting bruised through the period of the horsing around… At the dinner table the next night my father noticed the bruises on my wrists… he immediately asked me to [i]‘have a talk’ [/i]after dinner… We talk… I tell him it wasn’t Daddy it was Jay… my brother…. Well.. needless to say Jay and I didn’t get to horse around anymore and Dad stopped thinking Daddy was a bad guy….. As Daddy and I leave the Opto’s office the doc jokes.. [i]“and lay off her ribs.. Will ya?”[/i] to Daddy… [i]ha ha ha.. [/i]Daddy looks at me… :? … I explain it all in the car on the way to drop him off at the store…..

Next stop in my day… the Body Doc… Saw the eye doc this morning and now time to get my other problem looked at… Well… what a bad day to decide to be a ‘special’ circumstance… B’cus the next available real appointment wasn’t until mid next week… I had to come in under emergency standards… Which was [i]reall[/i] fun… [i]ha ha ha[/i]… ya right!! When I showed up the girl says.. [i]“are you sure you wanna wait.. It’s been a high emergency morning”… [/i]Great :roll: …. Just as I sit down to settle in for what may be the duration of my day… the paramedics come rushing in…. and storm into a back room… Well.. that’s comforting… [i]ha ha ha[/i] :? … I guess it really is a bad morning…. I sat and waited patiently … good thing it was magazine day.. I had some good reads… Well after my morning/early afternoon in the waiting room… I finally get an office… and there I sit for another what felt like hours… but only maybe minutes… The doc shows up… poke poke poke… OWWW!!! I said my ribs are sore!! Why are you pressing so hard??? … [i]“hmmm??? Hmmm???” [/i]the Doctor looks at me and asks… [i]“so.. What did you do?”… [/i[i]]“have you been hit hard on that side?”… [/i]I feel another accusation coming on…. I reply… [i]“no.. I haven’t done anything.. It just started to hurt and it won’t stop”…. [/i]Another surprised look… and a few more painful pokes… and prods… She checked my organs.. Poke poke poke… and none of them really hurt… except she could be a little gentler… She says she thinks I have cracked ribs… [i]“go get x-rays… and if they come back clear… we may have to get blood work and do some observing” [/i]…. she says… :? Oy?? Am I ill?? Do I have something more wrong with me than a sore side?? With Daddy’s Dad being in the hospital …. and the fact that if he was moments later to the hospital… he’d be dead by now… and that freaks me out…. I don’t want to die!! Ya I may feel like death warmed over these past few days… but I don’t want to die!! So I go to the x-ray office… once again another awkward moment … I had a guy doing them… and once again the question of… [i]“how did you get cracked ribs?” [/i]comes up…. I can almost see the wheels spinning in his head… I hate how most people opt to think you are being abused… than just think … she woke up and they were sore… B’cus that’s the truth… I woke up.. and they were sore! So… my mind is racing… I am hurting in a bad way on all levels… I miss T… I worry about my father in-law… and I worry about me… and what if something more is wrong?? What will Daddy do?? I hate the thought of Daddy having to go through more mental turmoil b’cus of me…. I am freaked out… I am .. I’ll admit it… So I decided to do something that may comfort me… I call T… I just wanted to know she was ok… and not avoiding me… I really just wanted to talk to her … to hear her voice… I also consider her one of my closest friends… and if I can’t talk to Daddy.. I want to talk to her…. So I called… she didn’t answer… Gulp :? I leave a voice mail… and I start to wonder… did she not answer on purpose?? Did she not answer b’cus she’s busy?? I didn’t know… So in order to clarify my voice mail I wrote her to say why I called… Pretty much … I am scared.. and lonely and needed to hear her voice… I wanted a friend to talk to.. and she was the one I called…. I worried that once again… my e-mail will fall on fallen eyes… and it was just another failed attempt to keep her in my life… I was surprised to see moments after I sent my mail…. She appeared online!! :D She says she just got back to her desk… and just got my message… is everything ok?? ….. She tells me.. No she isn’t ignoring me… she is just taking time out for her… I phoned her back and we were able to talk for a bit… it sure put my mind and heart at ease…. We’re gonna chat tomorrow… :D … She misses me and would like to talk… I am very happy to hear that… Hopefully this is the start of getting things back on the vocal track with T… I am hoping we can be friends and be there for each other… b’cus if I do have something wrong with me… I’d like her to be a part of my life… my recovery…. I want to be there for her through her hard times too… be a part of her recovery… and if it’s not in the form of a special someone… I’d rather be a friend than not have her in my life at all!

Ahhhh… talking to T has put my mind at ease… It is amazing how just a few words from someone can change the way you feel inside… I called my Doc… turns out I have nothing wrong…. Just sore ribs!! So why the “blood work and observation” talk?? So serious… yet just sore ribs… I was told.. [i]“Take some Advil.. The liqui-tabs work best”….[/i] Thanx… Thanx for nothing!! Well actually not nothing … I am glad I am not dying.. [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… yes.. Always the drama queen I am…. But still.. I worried… after all .. My father in-law’s appendix was on the brink of bursting… and if he didn’t get it looked at when he did… he’d be gone today…It’s scary… and I was scared… and I think Daddy was a teensy bit too… I’m all that guys got!! Well… me and the kitties… But still I know that guy worries about me more than he would ever let on… I can now put most of my fears and emotional uprisings to rest... I should have known to never doubt T... and I am looking forward to tommorow now... instead of wondering and wondering and wondering... I really am a complete ass and feel like one now.. especially since hearing her voice... and I can tell.. she hasn't had the greatest of days either... Sooo... egg on my face!! :oops: I am embarassed... I hope she understands... I know now how I truely feel about T.. and I really really feel awful that I was so whiney about me.. and my feelings... instead of me being a friend to her... I hope we can work things out....

Well our night we did not much... we went to the new Costco... Wowee!! That store is huge! It's supposedly the largest one in the world... Still all the same shit... But I must admit.. tonight we had big smiles on our faces again... :D ... Even though that store was packed full of slow people!! We still were smiling... we get to chat with T tommorow!! We feel missed and we feel like there will be another day and time that we will see her again... it isn't final!! And that comforts us both emensely... We rented a really shitty movie... not worth blogging about... and pretty much went to bed.... it was truely an emotional up and down day for me... but I can sleep a little easier now that my heart is more at ease... my ribs still kill.. and the doc called me tonight to say my x-rays were clear ... and that blah blah blah cream will maybe make it feel better b'us she thinks it might be a pulled muscle.. But.. if at anytime in the next week I can't breath... or if I still hurt this bad next week... come in and see her... Well :? At least she called and gave me more of a full blown diagnosis than the front desk girls... take some advil... Now that my mind is more at ease too... I guess I'll be sleeping like a log tonight!!

So.. until tommorow.. take care of yourselves...
 
Is there anyone out there?? B'cus it's getting harder and harder to breathe...
11.23.04 (10:35 am)   [edit]
[b]Monday, November 21st, 2004...[/b]

Wow!! What a surreal morning… I find myself coasting between my [i]real[/i] reality and what I [i]want/thought [/i]my reality to be…. I had another shitty sleep.. Filled with more awful dreams of probable reality… I hate that I read too much into things… I hate how I care so much after such a little time…. I hate how when someone doesn’t contact me I assume they have turned their backs and walked away… This weekend felt like a dream… a really really bad dream… When I awoke today I realized that I might not hear from T again… and that I have acted like an ass the past few days… my constant e-mailing probably didn’t help things… I wonder… was she even home all weekend?? Maybe she went out of town? … Then the thought turns to shit and I hate the thought of who she might have gone out of town with…. I hate that I pine for someone that doesn’t seem to be pining for me as badly… I hate that my mind cannot seem to get off my seedy dream of her and her ex re-uniting … and me never hearing from or seeing her ever again… I know in my heart that that can’t be true… she will write.. one day… My little heart still holds on to the hope that she was just away with friends all weekend skiing or something… and missed us soo badly that she wants to see us again real soon!! But then … my mind kicks in… and it doesn’t forget my heart’s dumb ass whimsical dreams soo easily… the last time I let my heart tell my brain to give in… My mind was fucked up for weeks.. months… still… [i]kinda[/i].. I dunno anymore… all thoughts of past rejections are going through my mind…. I wanna wake up from this awful dream I have been having this past few days and everything be back to the way it was a week ago... when things just seemed ‘right’…. Maybe it’s my karma… too fucked up… I recall a week ago telling someone how emmencly happy I was a week ago… I believe I referred to it is [i]‘being on a really good drug’[/i]… I joked… [i]‘if this is a dream.. I don’t wanna wake up…’[/i]… And now…now the high is gone… We wished we could have it back… just for one day.. Even if we could turn back time and go on that high again .. It would be worth it… but now that she has been gone… my heart is heavy… my mind is numb… and I feel like the crash is too much to bare…. but I also want to feel it.. b’cus I really care.. I really want this to work… and with each breath I take my heart sinks…. Is she going to write?? Is this over forever?

Well… the day just continues to make me feel more and more like shit… We went to the gym… both with the hugest pusses on our faces… I can feel Daddy’s sorrow… I think he feels just as awful as myself… but being the guy he is… he isn’t going to let it show that he is just as torn as I… and I can see it in his face and feel it in his vibe… we have a mutual sorrow… a feeling of being hollow… I missed T… and the feeling was mutual… and we both realized we may never see her again… and it kills…. I’m trying not to let this eat me alive… I’m trying to be strong… So.. after a very emotional shower… I got ready... while Daddy watched the tube… RIING!!!… The phone goes… Daddy answers…. It’s a family member… and they want us to give them some personal info about us… ??? This doesn’t add up … and the more the phone call goes it turns out we are needed to give some personal info for this family member to sign some paper work b’cus they are getting some auto work done… Daddy says .. [i]“No.. sorry.. I don’t want to”…. [/i]and honestly.. He had every right… Since finances seem to be a huge issue with most and keeping ours in perfect running order is a big issue for us… We refuse to have anything to do with anyone financially… I refuse to let a family member, friend, or anyone … use my personal information as a reference for their financial reference… NO I am not going to sign for you… or anyone.. Sorry… But being like that… makes you feel like a shit… why can’t people realize that we aren’t going to bail them out?? Why do things have to be taken personal if you say NO? I realize that NO is a big bad scary word… I know b’cus I am afraid of hearing it!! BUT… I say it b’cus I mean it… and it is not a sign of my like or dislike of you… it’s for your better being… and ours… I have helped my family members too many times… I have been the financial ‘bail out’ a few times… and I don’t want to do it anymore… I can’t afford too!… I thought we were pretty clear about that years ago… When we tried to teach them to handle their finances better… but… things are going bad again… and I don’t want to be the big bad bully… and I’d rather keep my nose out of their shit… which means… NO.. you can’t use my name… I don’t want to be held financially accountable for anyone… My chest is heavy!!… I have been suffering from anxiety attacks all weekend… and this afternoon I have felt like I was having a heart attack three times already and it’s not even noon yet!! I’m not doing good.. I feel ill… and my ribs are sorer today than they have been in the past few weeks … I want to go to sleep and not wake up until everything can seem like normal again… I am so worked up… I am angry that I had to be put into a bad situation with a family member… I am sore… my ribs are killing me… I am heavy hearted.. My chest aches and I feel like I am constantly sighing.. probably am… I am also very very lost!! I feel such a huge huge loss in not having T in my daily life… today’s family hub bub and my sore ribs wouldn’t really phase me… the thought of having to go to work and going through another week not seeing T … was better knowing that we could speak to her… knowing that we could see her again… But today… she’s gone… my gut is ill… and my heart and head can’t get over it’s sorry ass and I want to SCREAM!! FUCKKKK! As Pharrell says: [i]“You were my sunrays.. Without you girl there was no days… never dreamt I'd speak the phrase.. but what the fuck just happened?” [/i]…. I’m going crazy inside my mind… I don’t want another day of this…

Well… we get to work… [i]ya .. I know.. I’m still typing… !! ha ha ha… [/i]I told you my day has been long … So.. anyways… we get to work… First call of the day… it’s Stevey[i].. “can you get me blah blah blah… and bring it down to us?”… [/i]Urgh… Great.. This day keeps getting better! I see our friends whom I thought were [i]‘good’ [/i]turn out to be just like everyone else these days… [i]'users'[/i]… They need us to do something and give them something [i]again[/i]… and we’re the ones that will probably get screwed in the end…. I hate this feeling of complete loneliness!! Daddy and I crave to run away… we wanna just run!! I say ‘this sense of loneliness‘.. B’cus we thought we met someone whom we could have a meaningful relationship with… We thought we met someone that we thought like us.. Someone that was on our level… and all weekend we hung out with scumbags… and today I haven’t stopped being able to feel like I am never going to see her again… and scumbags is all we have left!! I miss T… and the thought of another day sitting here wondering.. [i]Is she gonna write??[/i]… sux… So.. as if this day hasn’t been great enough!! Daddy’s brother comes by… and informs Daddy.. that his Dad is in the hospital!! :shock: Ya!! I told you it gets better…. Fuck if we could fall off the planet… we’d so be gone by now….. So.. Daddy leaves me at the store… and I am left here with my thoughts and the damn computer… I hate staring at this screen.. With each passing minute.. hour.. day… I hate it more and more… I love it to death when it gives me what I want… but I hate the sight of a screen right now b’cus it reminds me of my loneliness… How am I going to get over her? If she never writes again… if I never hear from her again… how should I handle that?? I haven’t heard from her for 3 plus days now… I dunno if I should call?? Not call?? Should I give up? I wroteyesterday.. but is writing helping? I really don’t know what to do… I just want to phone her.. And talk… get it all out on the table… all out in the forefront and solve this… I guess what I am looking for is some sort of resolution… are you still our friend?? Or are you wanting us to leave you alone?? I’d call… but I am too afraid of the answer…. Instead I’ll let my insides eat me alive for a few more days…. I am hoping this will all blow over and we’ll wake up in our retarded blisses again… but my heart starts to hurt… and I hate to think… that may never happen again… or anytime soon….

Well... Daddy got back... turns out his Daddy is sicker than we thought... there maybe more to the story that his family is letting on... Daddy thinks.. maybe cancer?? Ya.. great... thats just another shitty thing to happen to us this week... Who knows... maybe this christmas will be another one of those [i]great[/i] ones[i].... Can you sence the sarcasim in my voice?? [/i] I am not looking forward to christamas right now... and with all the lovely family crisises and my body hurting so badly... I really couldn't care less if I could go into hibernation for the winter and wake up just in time to celebrate another lonely b-day!!! [i]Argh!!!... [/i]I am soo depressed today!! Well... we finished up at work.... made dinner and went to bed early.... tommorow I have a day filled with drs.... Hopefully I can get put on some good pills to take all this pain away.....

So until tomorrow... take care y'all....
 
Share with me.. smiles and frowns.. ups and downs...
11.22.04 (10:31 am)   [edit]
[b]Wednesday - Sunday, November 17th - 24th, 2004....[/b]

Woah!! First off... sorry regular PJ blog readers... I went a little emotional there and I took a bit of a hiatus... Actually... I lost a bit of myself this past few days and I have had time to reflect and really find a way to self express myself.... The last few days has been a few I'd like to forget.... but not completely and that of course is why I am typing about my days since my last blog.... So.. this is how I am doing...

[b]Wednesday.... [/b]
Feeling fine!! Everything seems to be great.... I still feel like I am on that cloud nine with two of my closest friends!! My morning work-outs have been going great... no problems all week ... I guess I'm kinda showing results... Daddy says my back side is firming up... [i]ha ha ha[/i].... :wink: but who knows?... The scale still says the same weight... and until my new [i]'way too small for me'[/i] pants fit... or the scale shows a different weight I'm not going to buy Daddy’s… [i]"but your ass is firming up... you must be losing weight" [/i]...sugar talk.. [i]He he he[/i]… My retort is... [i]“it must be moving somewhere else.... too much action happening in the booty region I guess... ha ha ha“[/i]... It feels good to do alot of cardio in the mornings... You feel like a whole new [i]stinky[/i]... person... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Today was our tanning lady's last day... Daddy has been going to her for years... and since my 'retirement' I have been going almost tri-weekly too... It's gonna be weird to see her go... So we bought her some lillies... and said our goodbyes... who knows?? She says she might swing by the store :shock: [i]ohh freaky! ha ha ha.... [/i]so who knows.. we might see her again... Well work was work... I'm still a bit foggy on whether T was coming for a visit this w'end... but I was quite confident that she would be... She had told us that she's been working extra hard this week so she wouldn't have to work too much work to do on the w'end.... [i]It ment more time to for us to be together[/i] :wink: ..... It sure felt nice to know that someone else is putting in the extra mile for you... when you try to for them... T makes me feel 'reciprocated' … if that is even a term or a phase... but that is my phrase for a lot of how T makes me feel... When I talk to her I truly feel like she is listening and reciprocating... If we drove to see her... she'd drive to see us.... We like her.... she likes us... She really feels like I have a true friend again... a girlie that I can talk to and trust with all my shit... she's like a Daddy... but a girl... I really like T and I feel that she feels the same way... and I enjoy having that feeling of 'reciprocation'.... it doesn't happen a lot... Wellll... (after work.. for T)... she quickly comes online and tells me about how much she misses me and wants to chat tonight... :D GREAT!! I'll be there... what time?... [i]"after my hair appointment ... I have to go sign some papers at the lawyers...." [/i]:? GULP! That means she has to see her ex.... [i]I think[/i]... but I don't ask.. b'cus I really don't doubt her feelings for us... but that little stupid insecure me goes[i]..."is he gonna be an idiot and try to win her back?.... does she really miss me??"[/i]..... The rest of the evening at the store started to knaw on me... We got home.. I don't even remember what we did... but I do know that from 8 on ish.... I waited... and waited... and waited... until the pit in my stomach told me.... she isn't coming.... I had a very heavy night.....

[b]Thursday....[/b]
Shitty dreams all night! ... that's always a bad sign for me.... [i]Please don't let it be true this time[/i].... It seems I have premonition dreams... They tell me shit I worry about... [i]only when I'm super mental about it... ha ha ha... kidding! [/i]But I did feel very very awful about what might have happened to T last night... It's not like her to blow me off like that... and I even called to say goodnight b'cus she wasn't signed on and my usual cop-out is an e-mail.... So I figured a little extra effort?… no answer :( huh? She said call anytime... Then again... my insecure womanly side kicks in and I start to think the worst thoughts... some way off base.. like aliens abducting her and never seeing her again... to being kidnapped and used as a slave in another country b'cus she is such a fine catch.... [i]he he he[/i]... but no ... my most SERIOUS gut wrenching feeling was.... it's changed.... and it's b'cus of 'him'.... I now start to feel very unsure... and my morning work-out fucking sucked!! All I could think about was getting back home to see a message.. a sign.. a little something showing me that T was still our Sweet T.... but no... nothing... The pit grew larger... I continue to swallow my worries and chalk it up to.. 'she's busy'... you know... working hard ... so she can spend her weekend with us.... [insert nervous laughter, [i]heh heh heh[/i]?] ... Soo why am I so worried about this?? I write her a mail... blowing off about my ridiculous dream I had about her and her ex... and I told her how much I missed her and how I am looking forward to our weekend... :oops: .... talk about my embarassment.... after I sent my mail from my home account I check my other accounts... and there was sitting the dreaded e-mail... The e-mail I wished I had not received and the e-mail that still plagues my every move to this day..... Her e-mail says... she needs time... and her ex is the main factor... and sorry :( she just doesn't want to make a bad decision again.... :? ... I have no clue what this means??? She's going back to the ex?? The ex she bitched about?? The ex she hated... the ex that treated her like shit?? What type