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| Longest day of my year soo far.... |
| 11.30.04 (9:18 am) [edit] |
[b]Monday, November 29th, 2004....[/b]
Well this morning we were up and rarin' to go by 4:30 am! We had to hit the roads and drive home this morning from C-town... and work a full shift at the store... I did something this morning that maybe I shouldn't have... I left a note on T's car before we left town :oops: I know... it could come off stalkerish... but it was purely out of 'like'... I just wanted to say good morning.. I was thinking about her and how awfully ill she was yesterday and how she thought she might have food poisoning.... I worried.. and I hoped she wasn't still wasn't feeling bad... I thought a little note might cheer her up :D .... Maybe instigate a note this morning back?? As we drove home I wondered... what the hell am I thinking... why am I really letting someone take ahold of me like this?? I realize that she is being aloof and coy with me and I am being sooo typical right now with all this ... [i]"she said she had food poisoning.. and she was at a co-workers all night".... [/i]:roll: I realize that these excuses may be legit... but they may not be... and for her to be torn up about 'what if's' with us... Then... that's not good... If she even has a doubt as to what we are doing here or if we are gonna step out on her like her ex did... Then BAH! I have tried to show her different and lately I have been feeling like the hidden person... I am feeling things inside me that maybe I shouldn't be... a bunch of 'what if's'... and I don't like this lack of communication we have right now and I realize it may be b'cus I am nothing more than a friend that lives out of town and occasionaly chats with her or e-mails her dumb mindless fluff e-mails.... and I should start to except that and move on... it's just a little more complex than that though... When we see each other and when we hug... I do feel more there... in her words when we do speak... her words are tender and affectionate... or so I am reading... and that's my problem I am reading way way way too much into this... Daddy suggests I try to relax about this all... and realize she IS a friend.. and she did see us... and she did ask me to write her... so what's the big deal?? But for me I guess I need more emotional support than that... Just a friend.. but more than that.. doesn't really cut it ... if I never get to see you or chat with you anymore!.... But if that is all you want from me ... then tell me that.. B'cus honestly I can't live every damn momnet of the day pining over all of this... I have done it for a month now... so NO more... I have got to buck up.. chin up! And take this like any sissy girl would.... [i]ha ha ha[/i]...
After my shower cry.. deep breathing... and new pair of clean panties... I felt like a whole new girl... until I thought about her... I saw the computer... and still no signs of her.. then again I haven't written her other than my note on her car window this morning... But still .. back in the good days she would type me a little hi bye note in the mornings... and later we would e-mail confirm a possible chat date that night... I was never really pushy about it.. :? Or at least I didn't think I was... I would always leave it up to her schedule... Some nights we wouldn't chat at all and I wouldn't fly off the mental bender... But now.. with barely a mail in 2 weeks... a few calls... and well a very funny and akward afternoon together... I don't think this past few weeks has bared well on this blossoming relationship I thought we once had... I am thinking it is now time to type this all out and find out what's the gig?? So I type my little heart out... I type so long and so hard ... I shed a few tears.. laughs and hopes... I open up in a way that I hoped I was hitting some sort of soft spot... I know these mails must be very irritating if you are trying to lose someone... but I am trying to get that ... I am trying to find out what it is that is keeping her from talking to me about all of this?? If she doesn't want to work it out ... tell me.. FUCK! It's not like we are in grade school anymore.. but she tells me she wants me to be there for her to work it out... :? Sooo... I am left with my heart out on my sleave for her to watch.... She likes it.. I think... but likes to toy with it... maybe??.. Or am I being toooo overly skeptical... I feel like I don't have any sort of way to get the answers I am looking for unless I badger her with my thoughts and words....
But I guess BADGER is the key word to that sentence.... b'cus she hadn't written back since I wrote... and well we had a lazy day today and went home early and were in bed by 6:30!! SERIOUS!! We were sleeping and in bed by 6:30! Sooo... She hadn't written up to then... Well.. my dreams and nappy time weren't all that great... Well needed the rest was... and well... I feel like I am at work again.. Thinking the whole time I slept about what to type or say or do... I am such a mental mess about this situation I cannot even sleep right!! Well at lease not without dreaming or thinking out [i](in my dream) [/i]what I am going to type that may the the miracle break through line of the month!!
Up at 11:30.... :shock: eyes WIDE open.... I stagger to the computer... No one online [i]well.. the original away'ers... but no one to talk to[/i]... I feel so alone... My day has been so long... With work... driving home... T... Shitty sleep these past few weeks... I am a complete mess ... and I realize I wrote T this afternoon to say I'm not gonna do this to myself anymore... but I did it to myself all damn night while I tried to kid myself into getting some winks... So... What to do.. no e-mail... T still hasn't [b]A. [/b]read my e-mail.. or [b]B. [/b]doesn't care to respond or maybe [b]C. [/b]is busy.... I am hoping she hasn't read it or is screaming busy... but I fear she isn't in the mood to respond... I think [i]or feel [/i]like I have turned into a psycho date that you can't get rid of... But in truth.. if you told the freaky date to go away... then you have every right to ignore him... but I haven't been told to go... and when I see her or speak with her... she wants my words of affection and embrace?? She reciripcates... So I get all wound up again... So since my mind has been racing since my last mail to her... [i]which hasn't gotten a responce[/i]... I chose to type out more... and more... and more I did... I feel that e-mail is my only form or mode of conversation with her right now... I feel like if I call her I am being creepy.. I feel if I am online all night she is hiding from me... I feel like I have victomized her and it is eating me apart!! I was only trying to be what I thought she wanted!! So now I am up at 1 am and I am typing to T still.. and our buddy D shows up!... Chat buddy!!... He is going through some girl probs too... poor guy fell hard for a girl out of town too [i](geeze sound framiliar) [/i]... has only been with her for 4 days... but feels like she could be the one... he used a great metaphor for how he was feeling... he used Romeo and Juliet... He said he has been like Romeo pining and whining over Rosalynd... Then when he sees Juliet... it's all Rosa who?? [i]he he he... [/i]it was too cute... and I must admit.. I have felt that sort of connection too... and it is weird and hard to find out in days what the other is thinking... She's gone on Wednesday... and poor D will be left in the question boat with the many many droves of us... wondering.. should I have said this?? or that??... [i]ha ha ha ha... ahhhh... so pathedic are we?? [/i]Well.. D left.. and I finished up my mail... I think I managed to finish it in 2-3 hours! [i]ha ha ha... ya [/i] :oops: Some of these blogs are doozies too... Anyways... I finished up... figured I could try to get a few more winks before gym time.... and hopefully I can wake up tommorow and feel normal again... think about other things other than my own self misery.... B'cus I am not the only one.. and honestly I have no real reason to be! So.. :D No worries.. I will live to smile another day!
So until tommorow y'all take care ...
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| Reality Check... |
| 11.29.04 (10:20 am) [edit] |
[b]Friday - Sunday, November 26-28, 2004...[/b]
[b]Friday...[/b]
Well... my week has been... well.. not normal.. I'll admit it.. usually we have no one and it doesn't bother me... Normally we aren't in a realtionship way with someone and normally I never let someone get so under my skin... But T has it crawling and I don't know what to do with myself anymore... So last night I waited... no T... So I type out a note to say my good nights and once again yammered on about how much I wondered what is going on... We had made half assed plans to go to C-town... and I had mentioned this to T... But our plans for going to C-town fell through and it was T's e-mail this morning that made me want to go to c-town anyways.... I thought it read she wanted to see us and was willing to make time for us during our stay in c-town over the w'end... Even though she was busy... she has her christamas party to go to tomorrow night... and she didn't expect us to be in the area... So when I read that she was gonna be realxing and watching movies and would love to host us... I thought.. let's go... Well.. I don't know where shit went wrong... but I called her... she was supposed to call back... and she didn't so I wondered... and I called again... and got voice mail... so I wondered more... until my mind couldn't wonder anymore..... It was a long night... and I have never felt like such a huge let down before... I admit.. These past few weeks have been harder on me than they have on Daddy... He cares about T but he also realizes that it's probably not going to work out... it never does so therefore he has no hope in this to work out either... and I don't blame him.... it's starting to look hopeless....
[b]Saturday...[/b]
Since neither one of us could sleep all night.... We were both up and bright eyed and bushy tailed for the gym... I tried to be as normal as I could... knowing T didn't call all night.. and her car was out late last night... and knowing I am in the gym she frequents.. We happened to have been booked at a hotel just not even a block away from her place... you could see her drive way and everytime you went anywhere you could see if she was home or not... I know very stalkerish!.... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I was in her turf... and I could feel her vibe all around me.. I wanted to see her... but didn't want to push her... Her e-mail yesterday stated that she was interested in seeing us.. tomorrow ... for brunch or something... she didn't quite say... So I wondered.. "should I phone her today to confirm tomorrow?" So I called.... and we talked... and she asked me to help her out with her make up for her chrustamas party... Since I seem to be sooo good at it :wink: So I agreed.. of course... And Daddy had plans with the boys anyways... So my afternoon with T was well.. typical girlie fashion... We yapped.. we did make-up and I watched her do her hair... It was nice to see her again... I hoped the feeling was mutal... So.. she had to go and we made plans for dinner on the other end of town... We offered to be T's DD... but she declined ... We tried to confirm tomorrow with her bfore we left... and she says.. "I'll call you tonight... "... I say.. you sure?? We can talk about this right now.. She re-confirms.. "NO I will call you tonight when we get settled..".... We walk her to her car... give her a hug goodnight... and wait for her call... and like a fool... I cry myself asleep again wondering.. why?? Why doesn't she call??
Sunday....
Up all night again... this time even more thoughts of awefulness going through my mind!! I wonder where T ended up... and I wonder if we are gonna see her again... Since we crashed at a room all w'end we had hoped T would have shared an evening with us... but with not knowing anything.. and her not calling me or even telling me her plans... I am lost.... and we wonder.. should we keep the room?? or go home?? I call T... she answers... (good sign)... and she sounds wrecked and wants to see us... just as soon as she can get her wits together and get herself back to her car and home.... She'll call us.... Well.. she called... she came over for about 2 maybe 3 hours... we ate.. we cuddled.. kinda... and she got ill... She left and we were left with a room for another night and it was only 4! I wanted to go with her.. I wanted to comfort her and try to make her feel better... but I know when you are ill like she was... you don't want people around you .. cuddling and trying to make you feel good... Even though I am a super suck when ill... I feel so lost... Was she really ill?? Or did she not want to spend anymore alone time with us?? I senced a bit of a vibe from her... has she lost interest... was she even interested at all?? These past 2 weeks since we last left her... have changed alot of things... and I just don't know where we stand with her anymore... and for me.. that is the hardest part... Once again my night was filled with tears of confussion... and it starts to sink in... this w'end could be a reality check... I should take it... and move on if it is.... I need to get over this crush... if T isn't into having more than a friendship... than I shouldn't care so much and I do... So it looks like I may have to get out the goo old e-mail typing fingies....
Anyways... until tomorrow... I hope you all had a good weekend... and take care.....
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| I've lost that 'sick in the gut' feeling.... |
| 11.26.04 (8:37 am) [edit] |
[b]Thursday, November 25th, 2004...[/b]
Well today I got up and felt like my ribs may actually be starting to feel better... I can barely feel them this morning... But.. to humour Daddy I decided to do stairclimber instead of the eliptical b'cus Daddy feared it may be my arm movments that was irritating my ribs... So.. I did stairclimber... Well I don't recall sweating so much during an hour of eliptical... but I managed to only burn about half the amount of calories than I normally do on the eliptical... So?? I feel like I got an exercise out of it... but I wonder how off the calorie counts are?? I know those damn things never seem to be accurate... but when they are off by 300 cals... I wonder am I really getting a work out on this machine? Anyways... my legs feel tingly and I am happy with my amount of sweat.. ha ha ha.. Shows how much you've really done :wink: Sooo... I am in a much lighter mood today... I feel alot better with myself and the situation I have been going through... The mornings are usually always the worst part of my day when I don't know what's the deal with T... but now that we have had the oppo to clear the air and be open about what we want out of our friendship... I truely feel like our relationship is going in the right direction... I just wish sometimes I could be there more for verbal support since she seems to need a friend... or I think she does....
So.. we had work.. ya.. real fun.. I know!! Ha ha ha... I get to type T today!! I'm happy about that... ha ha ha... I know I type enough on these damn blogs how on earth could I want to type more?? Well.. I do.. and I love typing e-mails to T... I just have feared that my daily jibber jabber and how I am feeling e-mails where too much for her right now ... but I asked... and she said she misses my mails... please type her... So.. I got to type! Daddy once again being the business man he is ... plus being the good son he is has been out all afternoon doing things for his family... since his Dad is at home on bed rest... Daddy has been going out and getting his Dad magazines and dvds to keep him entertained... After my mail is written and I have informed tblog land of my daily thoughts and escapades... I get bored... I wish I had someone to chat with during the day... when I met T.. we chatted a bit during the day.. That helped during the silent lonely times when Daddy isn't around... Listen to me.. I sound like a puppy dog!! wimper wimper... I sometimes so badly want to be left alone.. but when I am alone I hate it!! [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Geesh.. no wonder Daddy always says us 'women' are soo confussing... we are!
Well tonight we headed home to hang out and tonight I am supposed to chat with T... It's also Survivor night!! Wonder if the man will make it or not?? Ha ha ha... Us cunning women.. muhahahaha!.... Sooo... hanging out.. watching the tube... the show was.. well.. exciting!! I didn't expect to happen what happened... I'm glad the women did something to stir it up... As far as my chat with T went.. well it didn't... But for some reason .. tonight I am not paranoid and worried that this is a bad sign... Even though a little bit of me did worry b'cus I divulged some info maybe I shouldn't have... But.. I didn't think she would have really been creeped out by what I had said... and I was sure that she was just busy with her soccer tonight... Since that's what night Thurs is for her.. Soccer night!... Soo.. I write a good night... and say I hope to speak soon... and call it a night... I like the fact that my gut isn't killing me tonight... and I don't feel ill and wonder if T is thinking about me... b'cus I know... she is...
Well... I dunno if I'll be posting tomorrow.. I might be heading out of town for the w'end... yet again... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Sooo... have a good weekend y'all if I don't type atcha tomorrow!.....
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| Back on track.... |
| 11.25.04 (10:47 am) [edit] |
[b]Wednesday, November 24th, 2004...[/b]
Well I had a better sleep last night than I have had in a few days... I must say... I woke up this morning relieved and worried all in the same breath... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I am such a nut ball... I now I spoke with her.. but I worry that she still will be a no show... I guess I have been mentally damaged by our last attempt at finding someone online ... that I fear this one is the same way... but like my friend Oli always says to me... "don't judge me by what others do.." and it is true... T is not K... and I do trust that I will chat with her tonight... I just wonder?? Will it be the same... or will things be different? Soo... anyways... I decided I wasn't going to let that little voice in my head yap about T all day and over analyze every damn thing... so I shut that part of my mind off... My workout this morning was uncomfortable again... but I can tell my ribs are getting better... they don't hurt as much... but then it could be all the advil I have been taking to... [i]ha ha ha[/i]....
I got to try my new lenses out today!! WOW they feel so much better than the other one I had... I think the eye doc might have been onto soemthing.... I also feel much happier about alot of things going on in my life today... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I guess thats the difference a phonecall and a good sleep makes.... Work today was slightly on the boring side of things.... I haven't really been typing T these past few days... so I have had extra time to type blogs and think about things... It's also got me motivated to change up my blog a bit.. so over the next few days/weeks... my blog might be a little fucked up from time to time... But I am sure with my pefectionist eye and mounds of time... it will be the best look my blog has had yet!! Designing our store ad for x-mas to send to the newspaper got me going on wanting to be a bit creative... I don't seem to have any outlet other than type... and lately I think Daddy is getting sick of all the click click clicking I make... I got to find another outlet I guess....
Tonight was a night of waiting... we sat and watched shows on dvd... and waited for our T so show up... But... as the night started to grow longer I feared... she isn't going to show... Daddy's eyes got droopy and he headed off to bed... I continued to sit and wait... I thought maybe I was supposed to call her?? Maybe she is avoiding the computer ... did I mis-construe our chat plans? So... since I decided I didn't want to worry about this anymore I called her... I didn't want to spend a night crying again... I don't want to do that anymore.... What did I have to lose?? Soo.. ring ring.. ring ring... My thought got a lump in it.. and I started to wonder ?? So stupid I know... Just then "hello..?"... 'hi.. is T there?' .. I coyly ask.. since I noticed some frustration in the answerers voice.... "hi!"... I just walked in the door...".. [i]ha ha ha[/i].. we had a laugh about how her voice sounded really frustrated and I told her about how I didn't know if I was supposed to call or not... We hung up and continued in chat... we had a really great talk.. and I realize.. T is in this for the long haul with us.. she is just hurting over her ex and she needs time to heal... but she does want us to be with her during that process... So.. :D ... That's all I wanted to know!! I definately will sleep well tonight.... and on that note... have a good one y'all... and until tommorow.. take care of yourselves!
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| Bad Daddy?? |
| 11.24.04 (9:15 am) [edit] |
[b]Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004...[/b]
I sat awake from approx 2 in the morning until approx 4... All I could do was cry my eyes out and sing to myself…. With everything seeming to be going to shit around me the thoughts of my days getting worse before they get better are overwhelming… I didn’t get a mail from T all day… thus making it 4 days since we have made any sort of contact with one another… Well actually 4 days since T has made any contact with me… I’m starting to slowly come out of this denial I am in and realizing … T might not write… and we may never see her again… and it makes the tears in my eyes swell up more… and I start to sing to myself… [i]“tap on my window.. knock on my door… I wanna make you feel beautiful…. I know I tend to get soo insecure... it doesn’t matter anymore!”[/i]…. Maroon 5...They always make me want to cry when I think of the sorrow in Adam’s voice as he sings about losing his lady love…. [i]“and with a tear in my eye… she gave me the sweetest goodbye… That I ever ever ever did receive…”[/i]… [i]“you’re never coming back to me… and that’s not the way things were supposed to be…”…. [/i] I fucking hate it when I do this to myself!! It’s a good thing crying tuckers you out… I managed to squeak in another hour or so of sleep before we had to get up… I have a optomitrists appointment today… First thing… and then after that I am going to go and see my Dr… My ribs haven’t gotten better at all in the past week (plus)… and they seem to be hurting more and more with each passing day… I could barely go to sleep last night they hurt so bad! It could be my mental state… maybe b’cus I am feeling so shitty about myself mentally… that could be why the ribs are hurting soo badly these past few days… But honestly… it isn’t my mind that feels the excruciating pain I feel when someone touches my left side… it my ribs!!
Needless to say the workout was… well.. interesting… b’cus of my sore situation…. I thought I was going to have to stop within my first 5 minutes… my side killed!! But then I pulled it out of my ass and managed to blow out my hour and start my new leg toning … I’m gonna now try to make my body more toned now that I have most of my fat burned off…. I am super happy with my results… I have lost almost the whole 22.5 pounds I set out to lose in mid October…. I started at 142.5... And today I weighed a cool 123.2... Man.. This mental turmoil I am going through with T is sure helping the diet!! [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… kidding… but no joke.. I haven’t managed to think about anything but T and how to make things work out… I want to reach out again but fear I am reaching out too soon… or not soon enough… I find myself a mental mess…. and not thinking about anything else (including eating) but her…. I used to be like a starved dog.. thinking about food all the time! [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… I once read somewhere that if you leave your dog's dish out all day, he will eat when he wants and not eat it all in a giant gulping slobber fest when they get fed… they supposedly only eat like that when they don’t get fed all day… and the reasoning… b’cus that’s what they do all day… they think about food!! So therefore when they get food all day they think about being a dog and not eating food… I wonder if that would be reality?… I recall our family dog eating everything... her food… the cat's food… the kitty ‘treats’ left in the litter box… [i]yuck!! [/i]She’d eat anything she could… maybe she was just a hungry hippo?? Or maybe eating everything is being a dog?....[i]Ha ha ha…. [/i]So… ya.. my mind hasn’t been thinking about food… I have lost most of my weight… and now I am toning up…
My first appointment today was the optomitrist… I have been noticing I can’t see that well… and I needed to see him… But not only that.. I have some eye issues… I get eye [i]‘gunkies’ [/i]and I dunno why… I thought maybe it was my contacts… but I get them when I do or don’t wear my contacts… I thought it might be my make-up… but I get them on days when I am not wearing make-up at all… So I wonder… why the eye gunkies?? Maybe it’s allergies… so I have to find out… I also noticed my left eye’s contact never seems to fit my eye right… I wonder if there is a measurement that they might have wrong when ordering my lenses?? I dunno..??? So… I ask him… and he guesses it’s my contacts... the brand that I am using… or he thinks… So I have to get some tests done… he has to flip my eyelids inside out and observe my eyelids for bumps… ya.. Yummy.. I know!! [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… But have you ever had this done to you?? It is the grossest feeling ever!! And it turns out I do have the bumps… they aren’t as bad as he thought they’d be… but they are there… gross!! So.. I am on a new contact lense and under observation… funny story… while I was in with the doc… I also had a different test done… which takes a pic of the inside of my eye… veins and all… well with my last few days… and the water works I’ve been putting on my small veins were all aggravated and it showed… so the doc goes… [i]“has anything changed in your life lately?”[/i]… I say [i]“nope not really“… [/i]I’m such a liar!! Anyways he then goes on to tell me about my little veins and how they are aggravated and swollen… looks like I might have been crying… That’s when I say.. [i]“oh well I have had an emotional last few days… yes I have been a cry baby”… ha ha ha[/i]… cry baby is an understatement!! [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… So he goes … [i]“Oh??… Well that would be it….”… [/i]Then he asks me to scoot over to get another test done… and I show my discomfort and say [i]“ouch!”… [/i]my ribs hurt and it showed for a second… the doc then goes …”[i]sorry.. Did I hurt you?”…[/i] I reply.. [i]“Oh that … nah!! It’s not you… I have sore ribs…”[/i]… [i]“Sore ribs?” [/i]he enquires… [i]“ya.. It feels like I have been kicked or punched really badly on my left side…”…. [/i]You should have seen the look on his face….:shock: I swear… the guy looked at me like… [i]well.. [/i]like I was an abused spouse… he goes to me.. [i]“have you been?”….. [/i][i]ha ha ha ha … “No[/i]!” I reply…. [i]“and I haven’t been crying the last few days b’cus my marriage is in trouble… ha ha ha…”…. [/i]It was kinda a funny yet awkward moment… this isn’t the first time a man has looked at me and wondered if Daddy has been the one to inflict pain on me… Yet SOOOO far from reality… Daddy would NEVER hurt me… but … he has been perceived as the ‘bad’ guy a few times…. I guess I am just too fragile… The first time Daddy was suspected of hurting me was when my brother bruised my wrists… we were horsing around and Jay had my wrists held tightly… anyways one thing led to another and my wrists ended up getting bruised through the period of the horsing around… At the dinner table the next night my father noticed the bruises on my wrists… he immediately asked me to [i]‘have a talk’ [/i]after dinner… We talk… I tell him it wasn’t Daddy it was Jay… my brother…. Well.. needless to say Jay and I didn’t get to horse around anymore and Dad stopped thinking Daddy was a bad guy….. As Daddy and I leave the Opto’s office the doc jokes.. [i]“and lay off her ribs.. Will ya?”[/i] to Daddy… [i]ha ha ha.. [/i]Daddy looks at me… :? … I explain it all in the car on the way to drop him off at the store…..
Next stop in my day… the Body Doc… Saw the eye doc this morning and now time to get my other problem looked at… Well… what a bad day to decide to be a ‘special’ circumstance… B’cus the next available real appointment wasn’t until mid next week… I had to come in under emergency standards… Which was [i]reall[/i] fun… [i]ha ha ha[/i]… ya right!! When I showed up the girl says.. [i]“are you sure you wanna wait.. It’s been a high emergency morning”… [/i]Great :roll: …. Just as I sit down to settle in for what may be the duration of my day… the paramedics come rushing in…. and storm into a back room… Well.. that’s comforting… [i]ha ha ha[/i] :? … I guess it really is a bad morning…. I sat and waited patiently … good thing it was magazine day.. I had some good reads… Well after my morning/early afternoon in the waiting room… I finally get an office… and there I sit for another what felt like hours… but only maybe minutes… The doc shows up… poke poke poke… OWWW!!! I said my ribs are sore!! Why are you pressing so hard??? … [i]“hmmm??? Hmmm???” [/i]the Doctor looks at me and asks… [i]“so.. What did you do?”… [/i[i]]“have you been hit hard on that side?”… [/i]I feel another accusation coming on…. I reply… [i]“no.. I haven’t done anything.. It just started to hurt and it won’t stop”…. [/i]Another surprised look… and a few more painful pokes… and prods… She checked my organs.. Poke poke poke… and none of them really hurt… except she could be a little gentler… She says she thinks I have cracked ribs… [i]“go get x-rays… and if they come back clear… we may have to get blood work and do some observing” [/i]…. she says… :? Oy?? Am I ill?? Do I have something more wrong with me than a sore side?? With Daddy’s Dad being in the hospital …. and the fact that if he was moments later to the hospital… he’d be dead by now… and that freaks me out…. I don’t want to die!! Ya I may feel like death warmed over these past few days… but I don’t want to die!! So I go to the x-ray office… once again another awkward moment … I had a guy doing them… and once again the question of… [i]“how did you get cracked ribs?” [/i]comes up…. I can almost see the wheels spinning in his head… I hate how most people opt to think you are being abused… than just think … she woke up and they were sore… B’cus that’s the truth… I woke up.. and they were sore! So… my mind is racing… I am hurting in a bad way on all levels… I miss T… I worry about my father in-law… and I worry about me… and what if something more is wrong?? What will Daddy do?? I hate the thought of Daddy having to go through more mental turmoil b’cus of me…. I am freaked out… I am .. I’ll admit it… So I decided to do something that may comfort me… I call T… I just wanted to know she was ok… and not avoiding me… I really just wanted to talk to her … to hear her voice… I also consider her one of my closest friends… and if I can’t talk to Daddy.. I want to talk to her…. So I called… she didn’t answer… Gulp :? I leave a voice mail… and I start to wonder… did she not answer on purpose?? Did she not answer b’cus she’s busy?? I didn’t know… So in order to clarify my voice mail I wrote her to say why I called… Pretty much … I am scared.. and lonely and needed to hear her voice… I wanted a friend to talk to.. and she was the one I called…. I worried that once again… my e-mail will fall on fallen eyes… and it was just another failed attempt to keep her in my life… I was surprised to see moments after I sent my mail…. She appeared online!! :D She says she just got back to her desk… and just got my message… is everything ok?? ….. She tells me.. No she isn’t ignoring me… she is just taking time out for her… I phoned her back and we were able to talk for a bit… it sure put my mind and heart at ease…. We’re gonna chat tomorrow… :D … She misses me and would like to talk… I am very happy to hear that… Hopefully this is the start of getting things back on the vocal track with T… I am hoping we can be friends and be there for each other… b’cus if I do have something wrong with me… I’d like her to be a part of my life… my recovery…. I want to be there for her through her hard times too… be a part of her recovery… and if it’s not in the form of a special someone… I’d rather be a friend than not have her in my life at all!
Ahhhh… talking to T has put my mind at ease… It is amazing how just a few words from someone can change the way you feel inside… I called my Doc… turns out I have nothing wrong…. Just sore ribs!! So why the “blood work and observation” talk?? So serious… yet just sore ribs… I was told.. [i]“Take some Advil.. The liqui-tabs work best”….[/i] Thanx… Thanx for nothing!! Well actually not nothing … I am glad I am not dying.. [i]Ha ha ha[/i]… yes.. Always the drama queen I am…. But still.. I worried… after all .. My father in-law’s appendix was on the brink of bursting… and if he didn’t get it looked at when he did… he’d be gone today…It’s scary… and I was scared… and I think Daddy was a teensy bit too… I’m all that guys got!! Well… me and the kitties… But still I know that guy worries about me more than he would ever let on… I can now put most of my fears and emotional uprisings to rest... I should have known to never doubt T... and I am looking forward to tommorow now... instead of wondering and wondering and wondering... I really am a complete ass and feel like one now.. especially since hearing her voice... and I can tell.. she hasn't had the greatest of days either... Sooo... egg on my face!! :oops: I am embarassed... I hope she understands... I know now how I truely feel about T.. and I really really feel awful that I was so whiney about me.. and my feelings... instead of me being a friend to her... I hope we can work things out....
Well our night we did not much... we went to the new Costco... Wowee!! That store is huge! It's supposedly the largest one in the world... Still all the same shit... But I must admit.. tonight we had big smiles on our faces again... :D ... Even though that store was packed full of slow people!! We still were smiling... we get to chat with T tommorow!! We feel missed and we feel like there will be another day and time that we will see her again... it isn't final!! And that comforts us both emensely... We rented a really shitty movie... not worth blogging about... and pretty much went to bed.... it was truely an emotional up and down day for me... but I can sleep a little easier now that my heart is more at ease... my ribs still kill.. and the doc called me tonight to say my x-rays were clear ... and that blah blah blah cream will maybe make it feel better b'us she thinks it might be a pulled muscle.. But.. if at anytime in the next week I can't breath... or if I still hurt this bad next week... come in and see her... Well :? At least she called and gave me more of a full blown diagnosis than the front desk girls... take some advil... Now that my mind is more at ease too... I guess I'll be sleeping like a log tonight!!
So.. until tommorow.. take care of yourselves...
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| Is there anyone out there?? B'cus it's getting harder and harder to breathe... |
| 11.23.04 (10:35 am) [edit] |
[b]Monday, November 21st, 2004...[/b]
Wow!! What a surreal morning… I find myself coasting between my [i]real[/i] reality and what I [i]want/thought [/i]my reality to be…. I had another shitty sleep.. Filled with more awful dreams of probable reality… I hate that I read too much into things… I hate how I care so much after such a little time…. I hate how when someone doesn’t contact me I assume they have turned their backs and walked away… This weekend felt like a dream… a really really bad dream… When I awoke today I realized that I might not hear from T again… and that I have acted like an ass the past few days… my constant e-mailing probably didn’t help things… I wonder… was she even home all weekend?? Maybe she went out of town? … Then the thought turns to shit and I hate the thought of who she might have gone out of town with…. I hate that I pine for someone that doesn’t seem to be pining for me as badly… I hate that my mind cannot seem to get off my seedy dream of her and her ex re-uniting … and me never hearing from or seeing her ever again… I know in my heart that that can’t be true… she will write.. one day… My little heart still holds on to the hope that she was just away with friends all weekend skiing or something… and missed us soo badly that she wants to see us again real soon!! But then … my mind kicks in… and it doesn’t forget my heart’s dumb ass whimsical dreams soo easily… the last time I let my heart tell my brain to give in… My mind was fucked up for weeks.. months… still… [i]kinda[/i].. I dunno anymore… all thoughts of past rejections are going through my mind…. I wanna wake up from this awful dream I have been having this past few days and everything be back to the way it was a week ago... when things just seemed ‘right’…. Maybe it’s my karma… too fucked up… I recall a week ago telling someone how emmencly happy I was a week ago… I believe I referred to it is [i]‘being on a really good drug’[/i]… I joked… [i]‘if this is a dream.. I don’t wanna wake up…’[/i]… And now…now the high is gone… We wished we could have it back… just for one day.. Even if we could turn back time and go on that high again .. It would be worth it… but now that she has been gone… my heart is heavy… my mind is numb… and I feel like the crash is too much to bare…. but I also want to feel it.. b’cus I really care.. I really want this to work… and with each breath I take my heart sinks…. Is she going to write?? Is this over forever?
Well… the day just continues to make me feel more and more like shit… We went to the gym… both with the hugest pusses on our faces… I can feel Daddy’s sorrow… I think he feels just as awful as myself… but being the guy he is… he isn’t going to let it show that he is just as torn as I… and I can see it in his face and feel it in his vibe… we have a mutual sorrow… a feeling of being hollow… I missed T… and the feeling was mutual… and we both realized we may never see her again… and it kills…. I’m trying not to let this eat me alive… I’m trying to be strong… So.. after a very emotional shower… I got ready... while Daddy watched the tube… RIING!!!… The phone goes… Daddy answers…. It’s a family member… and they want us to give them some personal info about us… ??? This doesn’t add up … and the more the phone call goes it turns out we are needed to give some personal info for this family member to sign some paper work b’cus they are getting some auto work done… Daddy says .. [i]“No.. sorry.. I don’t want to”…. [/i]and honestly.. He had every right… Since finances seem to be a huge issue with most and keeping ours in perfect running order is a big issue for us… We refuse to have anything to do with anyone financially… I refuse to let a family member, friend, or anyone … use my personal information as a reference for their financial reference… NO I am not going to sign for you… or anyone.. Sorry… But being like that… makes you feel like a shit… why can’t people realize that we aren’t going to bail them out?? Why do things have to be taken personal if you say NO? I realize that NO is a big bad scary word… I know b’cus I am afraid of hearing it!! BUT… I say it b’cus I mean it… and it is not a sign of my like or dislike of you… it’s for your better being… and ours… I have helped my family members too many times… I have been the financial ‘bail out’ a few times… and I don’t want to do it anymore… I can’t afford too!… I thought we were pretty clear about that years ago… When we tried to teach them to handle their finances better… but… things are going bad again… and I don’t want to be the big bad bully… and I’d rather keep my nose out of their shit… which means… NO.. you can’t use my name… I don’t want to be held financially accountable for anyone… My chest is heavy!!… I have been suffering from anxiety attacks all weekend… and this afternoon I have felt like I was having a heart attack three times already and it’s not even noon yet!! I’m not doing good.. I feel ill… and my ribs are sorer today than they have been in the past few weeks … I want to go to sleep and not wake up until everything can seem like normal again… I am so worked up… I am angry that I had to be put into a bad situation with a family member… I am sore… my ribs are killing me… I am heavy hearted.. My chest aches and I feel like I am constantly sighing.. probably am… I am also very very lost!! I feel such a huge huge loss in not having T in my daily life… today’s family hub bub and my sore ribs wouldn’t really phase me… the thought of having to go to work and going through another week not seeing T … was better knowing that we could speak to her… knowing that we could see her again… But today… she’s gone… my gut is ill… and my heart and head can’t get over it’s sorry ass and I want to SCREAM!! FUCKKKK! As Pharrell says: [i]“You were my sunrays.. Without you girl there was no days… never dreamt I'd speak the phrase.. but what the fuck just happened?” [/i]…. I’m going crazy inside my mind… I don’t want another day of this…
Well… we get to work… [i]ya .. I know.. I’m still typing… !! ha ha ha… [/i]I told you my day has been long … So.. anyways… we get to work… First call of the day… it’s Stevey[i].. “can you get me blah blah blah… and bring it down to us?”… [/i]Urgh… Great.. This day keeps getting better! I see our friends whom I thought were [i]‘good’ [/i]turn out to be just like everyone else these days… [i]'users'[/i]… They need us to do something and give them something [i]again[/i]… and we’re the ones that will probably get screwed in the end…. I hate this feeling of complete loneliness!! Daddy and I crave to run away… we wanna just run!! I say ‘this sense of loneliness‘.. B’cus we thought we met someone whom we could have a meaningful relationship with… We thought we met someone that we thought like us.. Someone that was on our level… and all weekend we hung out with scumbags… and today I haven’t stopped being able to feel like I am never going to see her again… and scumbags is all we have left!! I miss T… and the thought of another day sitting here wondering.. [i]Is she gonna write??[/i]… sux… So.. as if this day hasn’t been great enough!! Daddy’s brother comes by… and informs Daddy.. that his Dad is in the hospital!! :shock: Ya!! I told you it gets better…. Fuck if we could fall off the planet… we’d so be gone by now….. So.. Daddy leaves me at the store… and I am left here with my thoughts and the damn computer… I hate staring at this screen.. With each passing minute.. hour.. day… I hate it more and more… I love it to death when it gives me what I want… but I hate the sight of a screen right now b’cus it reminds me of my loneliness… How am I going to get over her? If she never writes again… if I never hear from her again… how should I handle that?? I haven’t heard from her for 3 plus days now… I dunno if I should call?? Not call?? Should I give up? I wroteyesterday.. but is writing helping? I really don’t know what to do… I just want to phone her.. And talk… get it all out on the table… all out in the forefront and solve this… I guess what I am looking for is some sort of resolution… are you still our friend?? Or are you wanting us to leave you alone?? I’d call… but I am too afraid of the answer…. Instead I’ll let my insides eat me alive for a few more days…. I am hoping this will all blow over and we’ll wake up in our retarded blisses again… but my heart starts to hurt… and I hate to think… that may never happen again… or anytime soon….
Well... Daddy got back... turns out his Daddy is sicker than we thought... there maybe more to the story that his family is letting on... Daddy thinks.. maybe cancer?? Ya.. great... thats just another shitty thing to happen to us this week... Who knows... maybe this christmas will be another one of those [i]great[/i] ones[i].... Can you sence the sarcasim in my voice?? [/i] I am not looking forward to christamas right now... and with all the lovely family crisises and my body hurting so badly... I really couldn't care less if I could go into hibernation for the winter and wake up just in time to celebrate another lonely b-day!!! [i]Argh!!!... [/i]I am soo depressed today!! Well... we finished up at work.... made dinner and went to bed early.... tommorow I have a day filled with drs.... Hopefully I can get put on some good pills to take all this pain away.....
So until tomorrow... take care y'all....
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| Share with me.. smiles and frowns.. ups and downs... |
| 11.22.04 (10:31 am) [edit] |
[b]Wednesday - Sunday, November 17th - 24th, 2004....[/b]
Woah!! First off... sorry regular PJ blog readers... I went a little emotional there and I took a bit of a hiatus... Actually... I lost a bit of myself this past few days and I have had time to reflect and really find a way to self express myself.... The last few days has been a few I'd like to forget.... but not completely and that of course is why I am typing about my days since my last blog.... So.. this is how I am doing...
[b]Wednesday.... [/b]
Feeling fine!! Everything seems to be great.... I still feel like I am on that cloud nine with two of my closest friends!! My morning work-outs have been going great... no problems all week ... I guess I'm kinda showing results... Daddy says my back side is firming up... [i]ha ha ha[/i].... :wink: but who knows?... The scale still says the same weight... and until my new [i]'way too small for me'[/i] pants fit... or the scale shows a different weight I'm not going to buy Daddy’s… [i]"but your ass is firming up... you must be losing weight" [/i]...sugar talk.. [i]He he he[/i]… My retort is... [i]“it must be moving somewhere else.... too much action happening in the booty region I guess... ha ha ha“[/i]... It feels good to do alot of cardio in the mornings... You feel like a whole new [i]stinky[/i]... person... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Today was our tanning lady's last day... Daddy has been going to her for years... and since my 'retirement' I have been going almost tri-weekly too... It's gonna be weird to see her go... So we bought her some lillies... and said our goodbyes... who knows?? She says she might swing by the store :shock: [i]ohh freaky! ha ha ha.... [/i]so who knows.. we might see her again... Well work was work... I'm still a bit foggy on whether T was coming for a visit this w'end... but I was quite confident that she would be... She had told us that she's been working extra hard this week so she wouldn't have to work too much work to do on the w'end.... [i]It ment more time to for us to be together[/i] :wink: ..... It sure felt nice to know that someone else is putting in the extra mile for you... when you try to for them... T makes me feel 'reciprocated' … if that is even a term or a phase... but that is my phrase for a lot of how T makes me feel... When I talk to her I truly feel like she is listening and reciprocating... If we drove to see her... she'd drive to see us.... We like her.... she likes us... She really feels like I have a true friend again... a girlie that I can talk to and trust with all my shit... she's like a Daddy... but a girl... I really like T and I feel that she feels the same way... and I enjoy having that feeling of 'reciprocation'.... it doesn't happen a lot... Wellll... (after work.. for T)... she quickly comes online and tells me about how much she misses me and wants to chat tonight... :D GREAT!! I'll be there... what time?... [i]"after my hair appointment ... I have to go sign some papers at the lawyers...." [/i]:? GULP! That means she has to see her ex.... [i]I think[/i]... but I don't ask.. b'cus I really don't doubt her feelings for us... but that little stupid insecure me goes[i]..."is he gonna be an idiot and try to win her back?.... does she really miss me??"[/i]..... The rest of the evening at the store started to knaw on me... We got home.. I don't even remember what we did... but I do know that from 8 on ish.... I waited... and waited... and waited... until the pit in my stomach told me.... she isn't coming.... I had a very heavy night.....
[b]Thursday....[/b]
Shitty dreams all night! ... that's always a bad sign for me.... [i]Please don't let it be true this time[/i].... It seems I have premonition dreams... They tell me shit I worry about... [i]only when I'm super mental about it... ha ha ha... kidding! [/i]But I did feel very very awful about what might have happened to T last night... It's not like her to blow me off like that... and I even called to say goodnight b'cus she wasn't signed on and my usual cop-out is an e-mail.... So I figured a little extra effort?… no answer :( huh? She said call anytime... Then again... my insecure womanly side kicks in and I start to think the worst thoughts... some way off base.. like aliens abducting her and never seeing her again... to being kidnapped and used as a slave in another country b'cus she is such a fine catch.... [i]he he he[/i]... but no ... my most SERIOUS gut wrenching feeling was.... it's changed.... and it's b'cus of 'him'.... I now start to feel very unsure... and my morning work-out fucking sucked!! All I could think about was getting back home to see a message.. a sign.. a little something showing me that T was still our Sweet T.... but no... nothing... The pit grew larger... I continue to swallow my worries and chalk it up to.. 'she's busy'... you know... working hard ... so she can spend her weekend with us.... [insert nervous laughter, [i]heh heh heh[/i]?] ... Soo why am I so worried about this?? I write her a mail... blowing off about my ridiculous dream I had about her and her ex... and I told her how much I missed her and how I am looking forward to our weekend... :oops: .... talk about my embarassment.... after I sent my mail from my home account I check my other accounts... and there was sitting the dreaded e-mail... The e-mail I wished I had not received and the e-mail that still plagues my every move to this day..... Her e-mail says... she needs time... and her ex is the main factor... and sorry :( she just doesn't want to make a bad decision again.... :? ... I have no clue what this means??? She's going back to the ex?? The ex she bitched about?? The ex she hated... the ex that treated her like shit?? What type of papers where those?? And what did he have to say to her that would change the way she felt about his seedy grimey ways?? And the list goes on and on.... but most off... where does that leave us in this mix?? I know things didn't go over the top on our w'end together but things where grrrreat!... And I thought there was more feeling involved than now described.... I feel like I am somewhat of a dirty shame... Have we become something that she regrets?.... My day went by very very slowly.... I think I wrote T a few notes... you know... the desperate.. [i]'why me?? what went wrong?' [/i]types? I'm so pathedic and it shows!! But I really want this girl to know how we feel... I would feel like I have given up on something really special if I didn't try to verbally fight for something I wanted to cherish badly..... My night went even slower... even Survivor has lost it's lustre... all I can think of is T and if I am ever gonna hear or read from her again... Fuck!! I hate this feeling....
[b]Friday....[/b]
Daddy wakes me up in the wee throes of the morning... [i]"psst.. sweetie.. T wrote you....".... [/i]I don't think I have ever felt soo happy to be woken up at 3 in the morning for anything... let alone for an e-mail that could be read in the morning... But this e-mail ment something to me... It ment T's point of view... hopefully the mail will hail some more insight as to how she is feeling... or it is a complete fuck off!! I am hoping it isn't the [i]'fuck off' [/i]e-mail... but I got to admit... if it is... thank you T... b'cus I would rather know that you just weren't digging us on all levels... Than you drop off the face of the planet and never contact me or us ever again... That would really suck... especially since I had the whole ‘K’ talk with her.... [i]You know, the one that never talked to us ever again after a supposed meet was arranged and she was a no show… grrrr.. No more internet sites!!..... [/i]I really don't throw my words around freely... [i]ya sure.. you can all read my words here... so maybe I am a bit loose... [/i]but what I type I am trying to relay a message... whether it be to my friends... family members... and/or anyone whom I may inspire.... I am sharing these words to be free in a way I can't get out often b'cus others just can't take it all... [i]ha ha ha..[/i]. maybe it's all the babble that may come with a point I may or may not be trying to make... [i]ha ha ha..[/i] either way... I don't often give people the full ‘K’ run down unless I am trying to open up with them.... Actually only you gifted folks that happen to be either invited to my daily blog [i]( there are a selected few :wink: )[/i] or stumbled across it and liked it.... know about K... and don't really get let in on my typer babble... This blog helps me get it all out... and my emails get it out too.... and all night the thought that T sent me an e-mail has been racing through my mind.... *phew* Am I ever happy to read that she isn't planning on re-uniting with her ex... which is good... b'cus with us or not... she doesn't deserve a guy like him... he is a self professed asshole... he has told her himself... So ... I think she knows that... But the still foggy part is her saying... [i]"I still want you to be a part of my healing time"[/i]....Once again... I dunno?? I am extremely happy to read that!! But then also very confused... does this mean on occasion?... no more daily chat yaps? No more lengthy [i]‘how I am feeling today’ [/i]daily mails? I dunno if she wants me as a friend... or what I feel like I am to her now [i](or felt.. three days ago)[/i] which I would consider to be, slightly more than a friend but not a full blown lover? I didn't want to get serious... that quick with anyone, I enjoyed typing her and I really liked caring about her the way I do… and I think she knows that... But I also fear.. maybe not... so I start to be me.... I TYPE.... Well... off to work.... my mind is still racing... Daddy and I want to be there with T... badly... our minds are racing... we wanna talk... Take all the time you want.. we like you... We just want to know you like us... or at least where we stand... RINNGGGG!! Whatdya know?? It's Stevey!! He's asking us what we're doing... and wants us to come down for the weekend... [i]"It'll be really fun..".. [/i]he raves... We'll... could this be a sign?? Go to C-Town for the w'end??... [i]"sure.. we'll come down!"... [/i]I get to work... I type T again... maybe we can see you this weekend???.... maybe? ... The drive down was alright... but we can't stop yapping about T... It's just so weird that things were so right a week ago.... We were driving to C-town to get her... We were all on the same page... It was all 'right'.... We were all happy!... Now this week I am a bundle of nerves... I still have hope of something still coming of this meeting of us three... I just don't know... could she be still thinking of us? Can we truely help her through this? Who are we ment to be to one another? We could never know... and if she isn't sure... and I don't want to push her... where do I stop? How do I let her know I care... and not scare?? [i]Ha ha ha[/i]... I am soo girlie and know it!! Sooo... anyways... The night was... well.. Blah!! Completely not what we expected and the fact that the people we were around were such scuzzies... made us miss T even more.... All night my skin felt like it was on fire!! I wanted to drive to the other side of town and surprise her ... but what is that gonna do?? Show her our romantic side?? or worse show her our creepy side.. [i]ha ha ha[/i].... I fear the dreaded her car's not there.... or the worst of all the break our hearts by seeing her ex's car there..... I didn't want to do something that we might regret seeing or doing... b'cus honestly... We really like T... and if she still is seeing him... than that’s a choice she has to make... but we also don't have a problem with working shit out with her either... Just to be her friend... and to see her... to make her happy... That's all we really wanna do... it kills me to be in the same town as her and not know what she is thinking or if she'd want to be seeing us that moment if I had gone out those front doors 20 minutes after I got here and realized... this sux!! Needless to say... I slept like shit... and Daddy did too... we slept on opposite couches from one another... [i]b'cus there is no spare bed!! [/i]:shock: ya!! It wasn't a good night...
[b]Saturday....[/b]
It's a new day... the sun is shining... We headed out to the gym... [i]Oh hey.. Rox... Sunridge WHC has gotten a bit nicer... just too bad the area still sux... ha ha ha... [/i]Anyways... we did our work-outs... Did good... my weight is down... Also good... but shows I am sad... and the truth is I am... my gut has been a wreck... no word from T in a day... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... ya a WHOLE day!! .... I feel like such an addict... but I am... I wanna know how she is... I wanna she her smile... I wanna hear her voice... I'd call her every second if I could just to hear her voice on her voice mail… [i]ha ha ha[/i]… but I am sure she'd think she had a scarey stalker... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... But for serious... since we met... we chatted almost daily... and mailed too.... I am starting to miss her... we haven't chatted since Wednesday... and her mails have been sparce and lately ... well.. you know.. confusing and make me wanna see her even more to get this shit all cleared up so we can have a happy holidays... with or without one another... Stevey and G bring up... [i]"what are you doing for the holidays?".... [/i]Honestly... we couldn't answer... b'cus we really want to say we are spending them with T.... We haven't felt excited about Christmas in a long time... and T brings out our cheer... and we hoped this wasn't the end of it... They seemed to understand.... they're great friends... [i]live on the wrong side of town... and don't clean house well... [/i]but they are good friends.... As we leave to stay in our nice plush clean hotel room bed for a nap.... we exchange plans with Stevey and G.... I called T a few hours ago and no phone call back and no e-mails still... So I dunno... maybe she really did want time?? I thought she'd like the face to face talk.... but we'll see... Honestly an evening of Hooter's waitresses, saki, the french maid and lots of booze isn't gonna stop us from seeing T if she called.... But she didn't... so we had a great time out with Stevey and G... Like I said... Hooter's waitresses... G is a 'Hooter's' girl... and it was her co-workers b-day!! So we all went out to Japanese Village and had a little food show... Thanx Tony!! … lots of booze and the headed out to The French Maid... which is a local gentlemen's club.... where we continued to drink more... I must admit... I was feeling pretty shitty about myself these past few days... even broke down in tears in the centre of the mall today!! I am an emotional wreck..... I want things back to the way they were last week... remember last week?? I do... and it was a great thought of having another weekend like last with T again... But here I am sitting here... staring at bare ass women... getting hit on by drunk girls... [i]which kinda made me feel good btw[/i].... and I got to thinking... you know what?? We're getting hit on right now... and we're not taking it?... Since we've met T we have been getting hit on a lot... I think it's b'cus we are soo much more confident about ourselves and it shows.... We're getting better... and we know it and meeting T and letting go with how I feel helped me learn... I don't have to be afraid to flirt back if I wanna... b'cus I know I want a woman in our lives.... But... these girls weren't our 'type' and I am sure if we used the good old... [i]‘come back to our suite for some drinks‘... [/i]they'd be game.... but something in me doesn't want that.... sooo easy... yet... can't do it! We really like T... and even though I don't think I am gonna hear from her again b'cus I have been way too crazy with the e-mails.... she has raised the bar in what I want out of a special lady in my life...
[b]Sunday...[/b]
Well I was up at the crack of dawn... actually it was still dark out... I drank way too much last night... and my gut was telling me... I also think my nerves from being on edge all weekend hasn't helped... but... hey... what can you do?? She didn't call... my mind races... I wonder... on purpose?? why?? once again... that fucking stupid question of why?? If I could just take that fucking word and throw it out some window somewhere I would... but then there would be no word to describe how I am feeling today... why?? Why didn't she call?? Why didn't she write??... Was it all a crock?? My mind races again... man .. I really have to stop over anaylizing everything... I can't help but need the verbal clarification from this girl to move on... I just wanna know.. are you gone?? It's like she has some hold on me... Yet doesn't... She has released a new found part of me... but also has released a very anxious part of me... a part that craves clarification from her... and her words she chooses to use with me were and are appropriate... I just don't feel her sincerity... I am starting to feel truly lost.... Daddy couldn't sleep well either... So we packed up and hit the road by 7.... maybe 8... Once again... thoughts of driving by T's ran through our minds.... She said she had to work today... So what if we were sitting here waiting... and said 'hi'?? What if?? But then... the big red ‘stalker’ light came on again[i]... ha ha ha[/i]... We shouldn't care anymore... at least not until we are given reason to... and honestly... last I heard she wanted time... So we left town.... The drive home was good the mood was a bit different than the frantic.. [i]‘what’s gonna happen this weekend?’ [/i]vibe we had coming down... I must admit.. my mind was racing on getting T to see us... I wanted to see her... but it wasn't cut out for us... And might never be... sooo... today's vibe wasn't so much... [i]‘she's soo right for us[/i]‘... it was more about how [i]‘if we can't have her... we want someone like her‘... [/i]and we are willing to wait... b'cus honestly.. we're a hot catch... and we could scoop em up... but honestly who really wants a Hooter's waitress?? Not when you have met a great girl like T... So needless to say... if we can't have her... we want to find someone like her... and we're not going to settle... b'cus half the time settling is when you get miserable... b'cus you can't see different... I want to be happier in my life... that is why... if we never hear from T again... I’m not gonna get all down on my ass this time and feel sorry for myself... b'cus T has made me see a better side of life... I just hope it's with her & Daddy I share it..... and on that thought I wrote one last mail when we got home ... to let her know we are home ok... thinking of her... and write/call us... b'cus I don't want to badger her with e-mails anymore and I don't know if she is hating them or loving them... now... it's in her court.... I hope we hear or read from her soon... The rest of our day was lax.... we walked through the Ravine.. went and saw a movie and then came home to a soft sofa and another night of wonder... *sigh* ... another day... I am sure one day soon I'll either stop thinking so much about her... or she'll be back in my life again... So I guess until tomorrow... have a good one...
take care y'all
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| 11.18.04 (7:28 am) [edit] |
I've had a fucked up night and an even more fucked up morning. I don't think I'll be blogging today peeps!....
until ???? take care....
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| She's a good habit.... |
| 11.17.04 (11:00 am) [edit] |
[b]Tuesday, November 16th, 2004....[/b]
Well got up soked in sweat! :? Dunno why?? I've been sweating really badly when I sleep these past few nights ... maybe our room is hot... or maybe it's the sheets on our bed... but whatever it is... it sure feels gross to wake up dreanched in sweat... I had to get my wet pj's off asap... I hate feeling cold an damp first thing in the morning... But.. no biggy... it's not gonna bring me down... now normally I'd be pissy and kinda snappy ... and probably would just put on new pjs and head back into bed... But today I changed into my gym gear... got Daddy together and headed to the gym... We were gonna attempt to lift weights again... so we only did an hour of cardio today... then we were gonna do some weights afterwards.... but for some reason my ribs are hurting again :? I dunno why?? My body is going wonkey on me!! [i]ha ha ha ha[/i]..... Nah... I have decided it was probably my cat... he's really big... and lately.. with me being my 'skinnier' frame... he has complications finding a big enough spot to sleep on me... but.. b'cus he is soo heavy his little paws hurt... and they leave bruises!! Damn kitty!! Even though I have no visual proof that the cat is the culprit of the sore ribs... I think he had alot to do with them....
Went for a tan this morning too... Felt great lying there in the warm rays of the bed... Listening to Kelis... thinking about T... Wondering how her day is going so far... She has been very busy at work and I've been missing her.... Our days seem much much more happier with her in them... and hers b'cus of us... I am happy that she feels that way... It makes our days go by easier knowing that someone is out there thinking of us... and I am sure hers go by easier too knowing we're thinking about her.... I was gonna wear my wig today... thought I was running late... but I wasn't.. But it got me thinking about whipping out the wig one day soon... The season's are changing... and maybe somedays a little black and auburn may suit the weather better than the platinum blonde I usually sport... but I suffer from nasty headaches when I wear the wig... and I shouldn't wear it on a long day at work... I'll just be too evil when I get home :twisted: [i]ha ha ha ha[/i]....
Work was work today... All I really did was type and think... Daddy has been busy... out and about... and T has been a busy girl.. so no 'e-mail chat'... After work we headed over to a friend of ours... I was chatting with him before we left work and he's bummed... :( he asked us to come by... poor fella is lonely and depressed... so we opted to swing by and keep him company for a bit... I always feel bad when I feel so good and the others around me are feeling so shitty... It probably didn't make him feel that great... that both Daddy and I had these shit eating grins on our faces b'cus we have been on cloud nine since a week ago.... We hungout for an hour or so... and headed home... I didn't want to miss my oppo to chat with T... We've been really missing her today... and when she came online... she said she was missing us too [i]*huge sigh ahhhhhh*[/i].... Now we can go to sleep... everything is all better.... It's weird... I don't need alot of T time... just a little... to make everything seem so much better.... she truely has become a drug to me.... I am addicted to Sweet T.... and on that thought... we coasted off to la la land ....
Until tommorow... take care y'all....
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| Just what the Dr. ordered.... |
| 11.16.04 (11:01 am) [edit] |
[b]Monday, November 15th, 2004...[/b]
I don't think anyone can wipe this smile off my face... I feel like the Cheshire cat... Our weekend couldn't have gone better... and I feel like a new woman! I got up today feeling happy and spunky and well.. smitten.. I can't stop thinking about T and just the idea that today was one more day closer to seeing her again... made my day even better... I cannot belive it was only yesterday that we dropped her off at her place... but it has felt like weeks... months... since we have been together... weird :? Sooo close... I feel like I have known T for years... she really is someone special to me to us... My morning work-outs don't seem to phase me... my hour and a half flew by today... I didn't have my headphones today... so BOO... but I didn't seem to care at all! I kept singing in my head the lyric:
[i]"you may not understand... why there's this smile on my face... it's b'cus this world can be such a wonderful place"... [/i]Pharrell Williams
It's true... I have this smile on my face and everyone in the gym is looking.... and they may not understand... why there's this smile on my face.... but I know why... it's b'cus this world is a wonderful place place with T.....
Work today was very long and lonely... Daddy has been gone all day... and I haven't recieved a note or anything from T yet :( Normally there's a little note on our computer screen in the morning ... something sweet and little just something that lets us know she's there... But today there wasn't one... I know I am just being silly... but the insecure side of me tells me that maybe she's gone... maybe she has had second thoughts about us... And now the rest of our week is gonna be shit instead of hype... I knew I shouldn't have doubted T's affections towards us... I got a mail this afternoon and my mind and heart where put to rest... I know deep down inside that T likes us... and that she isn't going to be going anywhere anytime soon... but I can't help but worry about losing her... even so soon... I know we have only known each other for approx a month... but... We really enjoy having her in our lives and would be sad to see her go... We want to spend many many more weekends with her.....
Daddy finally got back to the store... He also wondered if we had gotten a mail from T today or not... He confided in me he had the same worries as myself... Worried that she would disappear forever and we'd be left in wonderment... it wouldn't be the first time... But... that is not the case this time and Daddy and I sat and yapped about T... We wonder... when do you know you are a couple?? or a triuple in our case.... I guess what we wondered was... [i]"was T our girlfriend?" [/i].... How do you go about asking someone that?? For us when we started going steady pretty much as soon as we met... he liked me... I liked him.. it was a done deal... But now a days with 'modern dating'... I dunno... I wanna ask her... but is that too weird?? Too much too soon?? Or should I assume b'cus she cares about us and types us daily and we make efforts to see each other weekly... she is our girlfriend... ??? This dating thing is soo confussing ....
Well... tonight we didn't really have any plans... T has soccer and we plan on chatting it up later tonight... We still have a bunch more episodes of Arrested Development to watch... so we opted to hang out and watch tv until T time!! It was sure nice to talk to T... we sure have missed her today... it's nice to hear her say she misses us too.... it helped both of us rest a little easier tonight knowing T is still as sweet on us as we are on her..... and with that... another day is done... and one more day closer to seeing T....
Until tommorow.. take care y'all
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| T for two... |
| 11.15.04 (10:19 am) [edit] |
[b]Friday - Sunday, November 12th - 14th, 2004...[/b]
What an amazing weekend we had!! I could never anticipate on finding someone who could make us feel so alive and not 'wierd' for being who we are...
Friday couldn't have come fast enought for both of us this week... The thought of hanging out with T all weekend and getting to know who she was... was all we could think about... I drove myself into insanity for a bit there... I dunno why?? Actually I know why... I like this girl... she makes me feel funny inside and makes me feel sick all at once b'cus my nerves are so on edge around her... She makes me nervous... but in the good way.... I think she may be the one we have been looking for... and we hadn't even spent the weekend with her yet!!
We didn't do shit all morning expect for pack... I had so much emotion and frustration bottled up in me... I hate packing :X ... but I have to do it... I had left it to the last minute and now I didn't want to do it b'cus I just wanted to get in the car and go! I couldn't wait to get this weekend going!! I don't know what's more exciting... being taken out of town not knowing your destination... or the fact that it is a whole w'end holed up with T... My mind was racing on all the possiblities of where we could be going.... but my mind was racing more on what T was thinking about... I wondered if she too was feeling the same excitment as we were....
The drive went quick... We had an hour + to kill around town before we picked up T... So we decided on going to a local C-town mall ... C-town's 'hot' mall... GAWD!!! I will never think I can go to a mall to [i]just [/i]kill an hour ... you kill an hour just pulling into the damn parking lot at Chinook! We managed to scrape out about 15 minutes at the mall before we had to get going since the traffic in C-Town is crazy!! The anticipation of seeing T again is killing me!! I am a sweaty mess! :oops: I feel so silly... it's like when I met Daddy... but now all over again... I was so nervous and sweaty and couldn't do anything but think about him.... I was always selfcontious about what he was thinking and if he liked me the way I liked him... I was a typical girlie in love... and now ... well I wouldn't say I am in love... b'cus I am much older now and wiser to know you cannot truely love someone you barely know... I am in love with the thought of who I think she is... and love is such a strong term... I guess it's more like ... like... I got a bad case of like!
Seeing T was a relief... she is still as sweet and charming as she was the previous weekend... She is excited and it shows on her face... I am happy the feeling is mutual between us all... I think this is going to go well... Daddy asks.. [i]"how do I get to the Hwy to get to Banff?"[/i]... I guess we're going to Banff! :D ... I have never been to Banff before! The drive was long.. well seemed a bit longer probably b'cus it was dark out... and I'm not a great 'night' driver... I tend to get ansy... But.. T and Daddy and I all got to yapping and I didn't find myself feeling so nervous about the dark roads... I was more concerned about not sounding like a twit or something worse!! She makes me say silly things... [i]ha ha ha[/i].. I always find I say stupid silly things around people I am crushing on... :oops:
Our night was nice... we sat in front of the fireplace.... and had a nice night of talking and getting to know each other... I think T enjoyed the slower pace to our evening... I guess we could have all gone out for dinner... get all dressed up and feel like we are on a vacay... But... opting for a hottub and sitting in front of the fire place playing cards and shooting the shit just seemed more our pace!
Saturday was a great day! We didn't really do much in the means of being 'touristy'... Well I guess we did make it to the mall... I wanted to go to Louis Vuitton... nice store in Banff b.t.w..... We also were hunting down a rca converter so we could get our dvd player to work! We brought our dvd player with us this weekend to hook up at the hotel so we could watch dvds & listen to cds... We brought Shrek 2 ... and we also got T the first season of Sex in the City... and since we hadn't seen any of them... and T hasn't seen them all in order... Plus T hasn't seen Shrek... we thought why not laze in our room all day and watch dvds? We finally found a converter... and managed to get the dvd player to work... after Daddy had to go back to the Radio Shack... [i]the converter he bought was fried... what are the chances?? ha ha ha... [/i]only the 'daddy' luck as he would call it... It was a great day... just lazing and talking... T really is a sweetie... I call her my Sweet T...
Once again I guess we could have opted to go out for dinner tonight... but we decided to stay in the room and lounge around some more... Actually had McD's for dinner... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... romantics or what?? Played some more cards... yapped some more.... watched some more SitC... it was another great night... even better than last...
Sunday... [i]ugh!![/i]:( We dreaded this day... I feel a pit in my stomach... I worry that T hasn't enjoyed the weekend as much as we did... I worry that this may be the last day we see T again... I start to worry about our actions or lack of actions... I lay there feeling like I don't want this to be the end of her... I realize I will miss her... and the thought of that makes me sad... But.. I cannot let this get the best of me... b'cus she is there... and look at her.. so pretty with her morning hair and pjs... lying there... looking so lovely... yet probably feeling her most ugliest of the day .... I don't know if she truely knows how beatuiful she is... not only outside... but inside too....
We packed up... and drove T home... the lump in my throught building... I knew I was gonna miss her... and I didn't want to be silly and shed a tear :cry: ... A major part of me knows that this is not going to be the last day we see T... but I also have a slight bit of insecurity.. I worry that this is the end and the 'fizzle' may begin... I can't help it... but I fear the 'fizzle'.... When we got home I raced to the computer to see some signs of T... nope.. no mails... That's ok... no biggy ... we did have to drop her off earlier b'cus she had a tonne of errands to get done before her work week starts... poor girl... she's got alot on her plate this week! I was able to send her a little note... and Daddy and I hung out on the couch with our lonely kitties for the rest of the day... as if lazing around all weekend wasn't enough... we were going to end it the same way... lazing around...
I hope you all have had a wonderful weekend... I cannot believe how wonderful mine has been!! Until tommorow.. take care y'all!
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| Sorry peeps! |
| 11.12.04 (8:46 am) [edit] |
[b]Thursday, Noverber 11th, 2004....[/b]
Actually today for me is Friday... and b'cus I have no time to blog about my Thursday you are all just going to have to live with the abbreviated version...
Didn't work... went shopping.. got some stuff... got really annoyed at the people in the mall... went for dinner at the inlaws... watched my fav. tv shows... passed out... missed T... and now it is Friday!!!
So b'cus I we are on our way out the door to enjoy a weekend away with T... I am unable to give you all the nitty gritty about my day... Sorry folks!! But I will be back on Monday to post about my lovely next three days I am about to venture on... So.. take care y'all and have a great weekend!!
It's FRIDAY!!!! Yeee!
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| Bad wrap.... |
| 11.11.04 (9:11 am) [edit] |
[b]Wednesday, November 10th, 2004....[/b]
This morning I have hit the wall! I really have put myself through the ringer.... Whoever says trying to lose your final 5 isn't hard... is full of shit! I have been slaving my ass off these past few weeks and honestly... with exercise and proper eating... [i](meaning no more fried foods and take-out... I GOT to cook folks!)[/i] ... and counting every calorie I have ingested during the day... has helped me reach the goals I am striving for... Honestly... some people say... "I'm not going to starve myself to stay or get thin".... but with the proper exercise and knowing your calorie count everyday you honestly don't have to starve yourself! You just have to work at it... everyday... like a relationship or career... Nothing comes in life without a little work... But also another saying I have heard is... "your car won't run if it has no gas in it" and that is what I have been doing to my "car" I have been go go go these past few weeks and I haven't taken time to even think about my journal or even about what I have been ingesting.... last week I ate alot of take out and this week I have barely ate!! :? I am soo wonky right now... Probably why my body is saying no way!! I only did an hour of cardio this morning... and I wasn't going to force more on myself... [i]uh nuh... [/i]not when we have plans this weekend... the last thing I would want is to be sick for the weekend...
Today I managed to do dick all! I stayed at home from work today... and I was gonna clean the house... [i]key word: gonna[/i].... But once I got to typing my blog and e-mails and when Daddy got to work he popped up online and one chat turned into many and I didn't mange to get a single damn thing done! [i]Grrrrr.... oh well...[/i] I really don't care right now... I really wanted to relax and rest myself... plus my little kitty wanted cuddles... I can't turn that down! So as Tawnie and I are cuddling we decided to watch Dr. P... my favorite 4 o'clock past time lately.... Today was about girls with eating disorders... and abusing diet pills... I felt horrible that these girls felt so horrible about themselves and they were abusing their bodies even risking their lives to get thinner! Now.. I know some of you [i](MOM)[/i] might be thinking that I am also doing this to myself... I am completely different!! I am dieting to get to a goal weight... then... when I hit my goal weight I am going to go on a new normal calorie diet... and continue to turn my "car" into a mad machine! But for now.. I know myself and I know how to get my results I want... and for me that envolves alot of exercise and a calorie reduced diet... I also take ephedrine... which really got a bad wrap on Dr. P... Well probably b'cus the girls that are using them are abusing them... I don't take anywhere near 26 diet pills a day... and I am NOT twitching and slurring my words b'cus I am messed up and high off the ephedrine... I also take caffine pills... Well actually only one a day... which would be the equivelent of a large starbucks coffee..... or two cokes... So I am sure I am not doing severe damage to myself.. I know when I don't feel good.. and I won't take them.. I take multi vitamins to counter balance what I don't eat... and what I might be missing... I have prefect blood pressure... BUT b'cus I take those two little pills a day I am going to die!! Or at least that's what ephedrine and caffine pills get the wrap of... BUT what they fail to say is... when you only take one of each a day to help achieve your weight loss goals... you aren't going to die... and you should get off them when you are set up on a proper nutrition plan and exercise regime... so you know how to eat healtier and keep the weight off without the need for the pills... Honestly I only take the pills when I am trying to hit a goal... I'm not on them everyday of my life... So please [i]please[/i] don't tell me you saw Dr. P and now you are worried about me... B'cus I am fine... a little hungry but fine... [i]ha ha ha[/i].... [i]YA ... THIS MEANS YOU [u]MOM[/u].... I AM FINE!![/i]
Well... I felt unaccomplished when Daddy got home from work today... I didn't manage to clean a thing... [i]ha ha ha..[/i]. and Tawnie and I are sprawled out on the couch... But I was dressed and ready for our evening of preparations.... We went out to get some final last minute items for our weekend out of town... But once again... like every damn shopping experience I seem to have lately... We don't find everything we were looking for!! [i]Grrrrr[/i].... it's a good thing we don't work tommorow... we can get that stuff then... Other than that... our night was rather normal... well 'norm' for us now... We had our chat with T... and went to bed... and with that.. it's another day closer to friday.... ahhhh so close I can taste it!
I hope you all have had a wonderfully lazy day...[i] ha ha ha.. [/i]Like myself.. then maybe I won't feel so much of a slacker... [i]ha ha ha... [/i] So until tommorow... but those feet up take a few to reflect on your day... and peace out....
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| Monopoly deal breaker..... |
| 11.10.04 (9:50 am) [edit] |
[b]Tuesday, November 9th, 2004...[/b]
Wholly Shit.... Did I ever shit kick myself yesterday... actually I am feeling the affects of the shit kicking today... but I did all the damage yesterday.... I guess being happy and your mind racing on other things makes you forget how little you ingested.... Well I guess yesterday as far as I can recall... I only had 2 protien shakes.... and did an hour and a half of cardio... which means I burnt more calories than I took in... I felt great last night... even felt great this morning when I got up.... But as soon as I hit the machine my body felt like it was gonna fall apart!! I was sooo weak and limp this morning!! I hate it when I can't get all out of myself that I can... But honestly... I was lucky to push myself to finish an hour.... I think my body was really pissed when I pushed it to finish it's full hour and a half.... I hate to think about how thats gonna feel later...
I really wanted to just stay at home today and sleep all day! But... I am going to be staying at home all day tommorow (to do 'house cleaning') .... and we aren't working on Thursday... so I think we'll get rested up then... b'cus we are going out of town with T this weekend.... We pick her up Friday.... We really don't want to be lazy and tired for our weekend trip... So we are for sure gonna get a good nights sleep thursday... B'cus we don't have to work on Friday either... we will be able to sleep in!! Good thing... b'cus I love to watch all my favorite shows on thursday.... My afternon was rather uneventful... I have been sitting around the store for the past two days all by myself... Daddy has been out and about researching our weekend... and booking everything... He has even gotten us all a surprise! Actually the whole weekend is a surprise... he has taken the liberty of planning this whole weekend himself... He's just giving us a packing list thursday... and we're getting T friday after she gets off work and we're on our way!! I think he's gonna take us to Banff or Lake Louis... maybe Radium Hot Springs?? All I kow is he wouldn't want to drive all night and if we are driving there... chances are it is close to C-town.... We're really excited about this weekend... T is too... can't wait!
Tonight we went around looking for little things for a gift basket we are making T... We've got her a bunch of little trinkets... and a few things we know she would really really like... We also are making a weekend basket.... kinda a bunch of fun things to do and play... It is gonna be fun.. I just hope it doesn't snow or it's not super freezing where we go... I hate being cold... but oh well... I guess we can just stay in the room all weekend!! It never hurt to play Monopoly with someone to find out their true side :twisted: You always see the person's inner deamons during a heated match of Monopoly.... and that can last hours.... good clean indoor fun...Unless of course we're staying at the hotsprings... then we could just soak and stare at each other.... ha ha ha ha....
Well tonight was rather uneventful... We have been watching the tv series Arrested Development on dvd... It's too fucking funny... Soooo like a family I know... ok... It's Daddy's family... Daddy is so Micheal Bluth... It is too funny watching that show... We watched that until T was online... I had a great chat with T tonight... I got to clear the air on alot more things tonight... It's always hard to get the first time bullshit things out in the open... But she is very easy going and not too opinionated on alot of things... I just cannot believe still that we have found someone as remarkable as her.... I can't wait for this weekend to arrive! Well on that note I'm gonna settle in for another day...
I hope all your weeks have been going as great as ours!! Now if only we could speed it up!!
Until tommorow... take care y'all
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| Breath of fresh air! |
| 11.09.04 (9:08 am) [edit] |
[b]Monday, November 8th, 2004....[/b]
Back in the saddle again!! Up and at it at our normal hour... and to the gym without haste... We managed to sqweak in our hour and a half .... we also went for a tan... It felt good to be back in our routine... but.. my mind has been on T all morning... We haven't been able to stop thinking or talking about her since we met her on Saturday... This weekend we are all getting together again!! Second date... woohoo!! Something we didn't think would ever happen... especially since all of the duds we have met in the past... I took my profiles off the accounts we had... I think we have found our other third... or at least we are willing to give this one a try...
My afternoon was spent typing... I have been a little type feind lately... I guess it's all this pent up emotion I got that I have to get out... First there was my e-mails to and from T... Then there was my weekend blog to type!! Not to mention I had my Mom online for a few moments... and I even managed to sqweak in a chat with a good girlfriend in BC.... My Moms has been reading my blog... she is worried about my morning barfy moments... She's worried it may be the pills I take in the morning... she may be right.. I should eat something if I am gonna load up on pills before cardio.... OK OK Mom... you have it in type now... you [i]MAY[/i] be right... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... Well I only really have one week left of my hardcore dieting then I am going to be on a new meal plan 'normal' 3 meals a day... and 2 snacks.... But I want to hit my goal first... then maintain it... Don't worry about me so much... I'm ok... I've done it before.. I can do it again...
Well... what a boring evening... well actually it was rather uneventful until T got home from soccer... We got to have a chat... Feels go to have someone want to see us everyday... We didn't think we'd ever find someone like her... It's refreshing... [i]Ahhhh.... [/i]We have never slept so great than we last night... and on that note... it's time for another great night of that good rest....
Until tommorow... take care y'all
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| What a wonderful weekend we had! |
| 11.08.04 (11:33 am) [edit] |
[b]My Weekend ...
Saturday and Sunday, November 6 and 7, 2004...
Saturday, November 6th, 2004...[/b]
This morning there was no gym for us... Actually we planned on trying to sleep in and getting a reviving start to our day... But.. we were both up extremely early and in full anticipation for what the day has in store for us... It is finally Saturday... we have been anticipating saturday since tuesday... or maybe it was monday?? Anyways... we have planned all week on our day today... We are gonna drive to Calgary today and spend our afternoon at the zoo... After that... we have a date with an online accquiantence.... I think that is why we were up so early... the anticipation of what might come of tonight. T seems to be everything we are looking for out of a girlfriend... BUT.. since we have been burnt in the past with thinking we have found a compatible mate... we kinda are not anticipating much... It's a good thing we got up so early... we had to pack... We were up kinda late last night with watching movies and stuff... so we didn't get to the packing... I guess you could call us procastornators...
Our trip down was great... I called T before we left town (as per her request) I had to leave a voice mail... :? I start to wonder?? will she call back?? It was a woman's voice on the voice mail... so I know the possibility or her being real is more likely now... but will she call? Whatdya know?? She actually called :D and called back right away... I was happy to hear her voice and to know that she still plans on seeing us tonight... Ahhhh... ok... now we can relax for the rest of the day... She was kinda one of the only other reasons for going to C-Town... Other than the zoo... which honestly... we would have passed up if it wasn't for the fact that T wanted to go out... and she was having such a shitty week...
The zoo was great... freezing... but great... We spent most of our time in the buildings anyways... The zoo has built a new african exhibit since we have last been there... It's huge... and not only that... it houses my favortie exhibit in the whole zoo... the Hippos!!
 
[b]"ROAR"... aren't Hippos soo cute??[/b]
These aren't the hippos we saw ... The Hippos at this zoo were lazy mo'fo's today and they decided to nap in the corner of the tank... so we were unable to see them do anything b'cus there was no window or viewing area to see them in their corner... They were cute though.. and I have read that The Hippo at the Calgary zoo is the second oldest resident at that zoo!! Learnt something new today!! The rest of our zoo trip was great.. we got ot see all the new exhibits... they've built a new gorilla habitat and a new otter habitat... They zoo is looking good... It's just too bad it was soo cold out... But T warned us... she said it was lightly snowing there... and to anticiapate a cold day... I guess we shoulda listened...
Well... after the zoo we went and checked into our suite... we rented a hotel suite in the Eau Clare area of C-town... The room was nice... There was a seprate sitting room from the actual sleeping area... thus making for a more comfortable meeting atmosphere... Since T has decided to meet us at our hotel.... I didn't want things to seem too.. I dunno.. sleezy.. We really wanted to make a good impression on this girl... And frankly a nice clean hotel suite is one of the was to do it.... not to mention the hotel also has a spa and pool!! So when we checked in T asked us to give her another call... I called.. The next few hours of waiting for her to call back were worrisome... Where we being ditched.. yet again?? ... Just then.. ring ring... The phone rings!! It's T... and she just got home from work and the gym and would like to have a shower and freshen up before coming over... no problems... I suggest she bring a bathing suit and maybe after dinner we can all go for a swim... :D So blind date... yes I know!! I didn't realize this until after the evening.. but our night with T seemed very much like a good episode of Blind Date... When she showed up... she was a knock-out!! :shock: We were shocked!! This off an online ad!! Not only was she physically stunning but when she started to speak she was amazingly intelligent and resposible... Not only that... but it seemed all night we had no prblems on finding things to chat about... The three of us went out to the local Joey's ... yummm bellini's .. oh ya and dinner... After dinner we ventured back to our hotel for some swimming and more chat... Overall I gotta say it was a great evening... When T left... we watched her walk out to her car... and we hoped that she wants to see us again....
[b]Sunday, November 7th, 2004...[/b]
The anticipation of what our impression was to T has over whelmed both of us today... I think we both rolled around all night thinking about how to tell T how great of a gal she is... We decided to grab breakfast at the hotel restauranr... barely managed to munch down 5 bites... Daddy too... Either we have really gotten used to not eating breaky... or we are really thinking about her... It's weird... we haven't had this feeling for quite some months now... Almost a year it has been since we thought we found a companion that would understand our situation... Since that fell through there hasn't been anyone that comapares to what could have been with K... But now that we have met T... and we think things went good... I think we may be having quite a great holiday season this year :D I can't wait to spend our holidays with T... OK OK OK... Don't get ahead of ourselves... We don't even know if she is digging us... I kinda got the vibe she was... and she flirted a tad bit with us both... She also gave us both quite the once overs throughout the period of the evening... I think she's diggin us... but who knows?? And who will know until we get home to check our e-mails!! [i]Ha ha ha ha[/i]... That's the only thing we really talked about on our drive home .... all we could talk about was T and hoping there was an e-mail from her when we got home saying that she was thinking the same things we are thinking... If she is into seeing us again we for sure will take her out again next weekend...
I see we're not the only ones that have been hanging off our computers lighted screen hoping for a flicker of the other online... It loks like T has been waiting online all morning for us to appear online :D Yeah!! She likies us!! And we are gonna all do something together next weekend... Can't wait! She has to work all dy today... so we all chatted about how much of a great time we had the evening before... We also talked about her work and how much of it she does!! We're lucky we have the opportunity to take her out this weekend.. normally she has to work saturday and sunday... poor girl ... So this weekend we're gonna make it an extra special one... for all of us!!
Well... the rest of the day was spent in bed.. [i]ha ha ha.. [/i]we were super sleepy and needed to catch up on some of the sleep we have missed out on these past few days... So we opted for a nap... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... nap my ass!! It more or less was the end of our day... we layed down around 3.. woke up at around 8 and were back in bed by 10... Lazy asses... hey?? Well it just goes to show that we had a good time the previous day... And with that... that was our wonderful weekend... Can't wait for next....
So until tommorow... take care y'all!!
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| It's the freakin' w'end ... Baby I'mma gonna have me some fun!! |
| 11.05.04 (8:15 pm) [edit] |
[b]Friday, November 5th, 2004...[/b]
Finally Friday!... All week I have been waiting for the end of this week... Things have gone great all week... With the exception of yesterday :oops: [i]I hate when I make myself ill.... [/i]Anyways... Today I was able to punch out my hour and a half of cardio no problem... If it wasn't stock day I would have opted for an extra half hour or more... since we won't be getting to the gym tommorow... but then I think we'll be walking around a great big zoo all day... That's gotta burn some calories... right??
Well... our afternoon was rather uneventful... Except for my e-mail traiding with T... We are super excited about our dinner date tommorow night... She is too... I just hope this isn't another huge let down like previous expectations.... I have been extremely bored all afternoon... Daddy was gone for most of the afternoon running errnads for the store... This is our first weekend trusting Corkster with the store and we aren't in town!! I don't think Daddy is extremely worried about it... But he does wanna make sure he has getten enough change... Nothing annoys him more than a phone call saying that the till needs more change....[i] "Soo.. lock up the store put a sign on the door and run to the bank if it's that bad..."[/i] What is Daddy really gonna be able to do, when we are in the centre of the Calgary Zoo?? So... he prepped for our day and a half away... Daddy also managed to swing by Wal-mart and pick up Shrek 2.... I think that is what is gonna kill our night for us tonight...
I guess I was kinda off on my estimation of being at home tonight watching Shrek... We ended up doing a little bit off shopping after work... We went down town... The mall seems to be alot slower downtown... plus there are a few stores that are downtown that are worth going into so we opted to go down there instead of congestionville WEM or one other other many congested malls in our lovely city... [i]Can you tell I am NOT a good shopper?? [/i] Welll... I Am a good bargan finder and can find good shit when I shop.... I just HATE to do it now... :twisted: All the people and the noise and the bullshit... [i]do you have this card? Oh you don't?? Do you wanna sign up for this card?[/i] Bull shit! Ya... I [i]really[/i] love shopping at christmas... [i]can you tell I am being sarcastic?? [/i] Well I AM... Anyways... we went shopping tonight... and then ended up at home watching Shrek...I love Pussy N' Boots... he's soo cute... Anyways... I'm gonns be off for a few days... Hving fun... you know... what some of you might call a 'life' ... So no adventures for tommorow of the next... I'll post you all when I get back... I am hoping to get great shots (photos) of the Hippos from the underwater tank!! I LOVE the Hippos at the zoo!! I hear it is gonna be snowing in Calgary tommorow... but I don't care!! There's Hippos... who cares if it is snowing!
Until Monday... take care y'all... and have a great weekend...
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| Good ol' green gills... |
| 11.05.04 (10:34 am) [edit] |
[b]Thursday, November 4th, 2004....[/b]
Boy o' boy... did I do it to myself again... Well actually I got ill late last night and I wasn't too ill this morning... Until..... I got on the eliptical to do my morning work-out ... in the first 15 minutes I was to the bathroom and back... I managed to squeak in another 30 before feeling that lovely feeling of barf come on.... The only things is... I am completely empty!! I have nothing to bring up... especially since I threw up everything I ate the night before... and I didn't eat or even have a drink before I headed out the door for my cardio... Soo?? Why is my tummy doing summersaults?? I [i]sooo[/i] love being that already skinnier girl [i](at least to the others in the gym at the same time in the morning) [/i] that rushes into the washroom and all they can hear is me belching and gagging while trying to puke! I hate those dry gaggy heaves... makes you sound sooo anorexic... and oooh soo appealing to hear that first thing in the morning... NO I am not anorexic.... and NO I am not preggers!! I am hung over... and I know it... I was hoping my puke fest last night would have eleviated my morning tummy angst... but nope... I was a fool and thought I could get my hour and a half in today... Boy was I wrong!!
I have never felt sooo hungry than I do today! I want to eat a whole pizza!! Seriously... I ordered myself a small pizza... I have a new found love for Panago's tropical hawiian pizza again... I used to eat this pizza like it was going out of style when I used to work beside a panago... But that was many many many years ago and I haven't had it since Monday... when D ordered me the Tropical Hawiian for our pizza date... and since that night I have been thinking about that pizza and all it's yummy pinapple and bacon/hammy goodness... mmmmm... I [i]HAD [/i]to get that today... My lunch was awesome!! The pizza really hit the spot... I don't feel so green behind the gills no more... BUT.. it's slow at work today... and T is a busy girl at work.. so I have no one to chat with today!! I know what you are thinking... [i]what about Daddy?? [/i]... Daddy decided to sleep all afternoon! I don't blame the guy he has been putting in mad cardio hours... So he slept and I sat here watching soap operas and talk shows.... Daddy's Dad dropped by this afternoon... he asks us if we wanna do something with him next weekend... b'cus Daddy's mom is gonna be out of town... He says... [i]"maybe we can go to Calgary.. or something like that ... "[/i]... too bad we already are planning that for this weekend... We then combat with [i]"Well we dunno what we'll be doing..."... [/i]and honestly... We don't... Ya.. we might wanna go to Calgary again next weekend... or we may want to go somewhere else... We've been thinking about going to Vegas for quite some time now... It's just too bad that it is getting chillier there now... It's not that hot destination it is in the summer months.... Who knows... maybe we'll just stay at home...
Feeling like I have color back in my face.... We decided to go and check out WEM... Well.. that was a huge dissapointment... We wanted to go to Old Navy to look for some new winter clothes... If you could see through the mess!! What a disaster that store is!! Shit everywhere.... nothing makes you drop money on clothes than on ones you have to pick out of a huge heaping pile.... Ugh!! What a shitty shopping experience... So we ventured further down the mall... the new mac store is open in WEM :D ... The whole store is mac... not just a tiny corner of The Bay's make-up department... The actual whole mall size store ... is mac! What a bright place... the place is like walking into an illuminated white change room... With whiter than white walls... and mirrors lining every corner of each wall... the place was a make up dream!! Too bad they didn't have what I was looking for... harumf! Another shitty experience... we decided fuck this... We're not into being in a mall anymore and it's thursday night! My good tv is on... So we did a final swing by the pet store to look at all the puppies... and kitties... and headed home... Survivor was kinda a piss off tonight... I'm really not digging that Julie chick... Not to mention Ami.. I thought this show I'd be more into the women's tribe... since I tend to be that way... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... But.. this season the women piss me off... I find sometimes the men more fun to watch... in the means of talking and working... not in the hot body aspect of watching them.... I was secretly hoping Ami would get the boot... but nope... the women are brainwashed my her! CSI was also a goodie... I didn't manage to see the end... [i]again[/i]... But the beginning was quite interesting... mmm gotta love falling in a pit of maggots!
Well... one more day until our weekend!! Yeah ... we have plans this weekend! We're looking forward to our dinner date and who could resist the idea of seeing all those fuzzy critters in the zoo?
So... until tommorow.. take care y'all
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| I can't help it I am soo cute! |
| 11.04.04 (10:46 am) [edit] |
[b]Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004...[/b]
Middle of the week and feeling fine!! We have been on our new cardio regime and things are working out good... I thought I'd be bored out of my mind after doing an hour and a half of cardio every morning... But honestly... with a good Cosmo or another 'gym appropriate' girlie gossip mag... I can go for hours and hours... Lately I have found that I have a tonne of energy and things are really feeling good to me right now... It's funny... b'cus just a month ago I was feeling like a big bag o' you know what.... I was feeling lazy and lathargic.... really felt like nothing was really working out for us... and we were just in a complete 'funk'... Daddy too... But get us on a new diet and work-out plan... and things change for us dramatically 'mood' wise... actually weight wise and mental wise... Not to mention health wise! We are feeling great!!
This afternoon Daddy had to take Charlie into the tireshop to get his breaks done... For the past few weeks we have been hearing a high pitched shrill coming from his tire... Usually this noise is created by rocks in his tires... I remember the previous winters Charlie's tires would get ice chunks or rocks in them and they'd shrill... so we didn't really think anything of it... Until his tires started to make another weird noise... That's when you really better take the car in!!... So Daddy went to the tireshop and I hung out at the store all afternoon... Once again ... another afternoon filled with diddly squat to do... other than chat... [i]he he he[/i]... OHH ... I did manage to go and see my brother's car!! Yoewsa!! There was definately a car accident that happened to that car.... I managed to take a few shots... I haven't managed to download them yet... and they aren't the greatest... but I know what they are... and the thought that my brother was in that car sure was surreal..... I also drove out to the accident site... I don't know why... maybe I just wanted to see the site... I'm like that... I am just thankful that .. that spot only means an accident happened here... and not... this is where my brother took his last breath... *huge sigh of relief* :D
Tonight we decided to go shopping.. Yee! Well actually it's not like retail therapy shopping... more like ... getting new face wash shopping... [i]Ha ha ha[/i]... I guess I get excited over the smaller things in life... We headed to a local mall... Opps[i]... te he he... [/i][i]who knew there was a mac coutner there?? ... not me [/i]:roll: [i]he he he.... [/i]I managed to drag Daddy into the extremely loaded mac store... Actually... more like Daddy dragged me in there... [i]ha ha ha... [/i]He keeps saying.. [i]"let's go look"... [/i]He loves to buy me things... whether it be make-up.. purses... shoes... The guy is truely a doll.. Heaven sent... or at least I think so ... once or more times a day... I love my baby... So.. b'cus I was a girl with a goal now [i](find some make-up or something to purchase) [/i][i]ha ha ha[/i]... We looked at all the new colors and products mac had out for the holidays... managed to score myself some new glitter cream... So pretty... I love glitter... but I hate the glitter gels and flakes... this is actually a really nice creamy glitter that feels like a silky powder when it's rubbed on... Has a nice sheen to it... very nice... Anyways... As we kept our venture going down the mall we stepped into an AE store... They had pink peacoats... awe... too cute! I have been searching for a baby pink or light tan colored peacoat ... I find the winters can be so bland when all you wear is black black black... And all my winter jackets seem to be either really big and puffy or they're black!... So it's either look like Shamu or like Mortisha ... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... I was very happy to see the coat... As I was trying it on... a lady that works there comes up to me and starts to help me take off my jacket and proceeds to dress me up in the pink coat and wraps a scarf around me and starts to gush over how cute I am! She then continues to parade me through the store gushing loudly about how cute I am... and everyone starts to stare at me like I am some sort of celeb... Gotta love that :D ... but also gotta hate being the one everyone is [i][b]glaring[/b][/i] at :evil: Plus I figured she was being so 'kind' to me b'cus she was looking to make some $$$ off me... But Daddy seems to recall having this exact same experience with the same woman months ago... Funny thing is... when we were making our way out of the store she quickly comes up to us again and starts to gush some more about how cute pink is on me and this is pink and that is pink... As I turn to Daddy to hand me over my purse... the lady says: [i]"hey, I have met you before! I remember your Louis Vuitton purse".... [/i]:shock: I knew my bag is memorable... but... Daddy remembered her!! That's amazing... he normally can't remember what he ate for dinner last night... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... as I start to tell her that Daddy and I were just thinking that same thing... Daddy starts to primp me... picking hairs off my jacket ... Just then AE lady grabs my arm and yanks me back into the depths of the store... over to the counter... [i]"here.. here" [/i]... she pulls out a lint brush and starts to primp me herself!... Telling Daddy the whole time.. [i]"this girl is a cutie... you'd better treat her good"... "she's soo cute".... [/i]Just when what I thought might be the next words out of her mouth being... [i]"hey you wanna go out for drinks sometime?" [/i].... this extremely annoyed looking woman approaches the counter and demands to be shown to a change room.... and with that... AE lady whips the scarf I [i]was[/i] wearing [i](the one see dressed me in) [/i]around her neck... and shows the lady to the change rooms... and we exited stage left... The whole trip to AE just made me wonder... am I really that cute?? or was she just trying to sell me a scarf and jacket?
We had a great start to our night... even though it didn't end so well... Our evening starting with our shopping excersion and we had a chat date tonight.... We had a nice online convo with T... We're really excited to meet her on saturday... She is excited to meet us too... Hopefully things will go well on Saturday... tonight we also decided to tie one on... Well actually I didn't mean to get so tipsy... But all I really remember is chatting it up and the next thing I know I am in bed feeling sicker than sick... and the room is spinning... Iye yei yei....
Well I hope all of you all days ended better than mine.. or at least not with your head in the great white bowl!! So until tommorow... watch how much you drink... and take care!
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| What could have been terrifies me.... |
| 11.03.04 (9:32 am) [edit] |
[b]Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004...[/b]
This morning was pretty average... we got up .. went to the gym.. got our hour and a half of cardio under our belts and headed to the tanning salon... All in a day's morning for us... This morning we were running a bit late... It's Tuesday and I wanted to get my magazines before we headed out to the store... Even though lately I find myself to be more online in the afternoons than reading ... Weird how your habits change like that one a weekly basis... It seems like just last week I was raving about how great it is to read.. and now I and talking about how much I enjoy chatting and surfing the net... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... stay tuned next week I'll be sworn off this machine!! [i]ha ha ha[/i].....
We got it all done... we were ready and to the magazine store and on our way to the store in time... Even though we ran into a funeral consession [i](is that what they are?)[/i] ... All those cars driving slow with the sad long faces on the passengers inside them... made me realize I am one lucky girl to have my brother... I could have been in a car next week with the long face... Hell I don't think I would have stopped crying by now!... I am really really happy my brother is alive... I say that b'cus some days I may not show it and lately my brother has been doing things I don't agree with and we have lost touch... I don't seem to know who he is anymore... So I thought maybe I didn't care anymore b'cus I don't care for who he has become... BUT... I realize after yesterday... I am happy to have my brother and I love him... and yes I DO care... Even though most days I don't seem to show it.... So... as we drove to work I had a little moment of Zen...
Another slow afternoon... Not many people are in the 'spending' mood... Not quite yet... Actually they're probably all broke from Halloween!! So no money for frivalous spending... I spent most of my afternoon chatting it up with a new online friend... I'll call her T... T seems to be a sweet girl... Has a good job... and even has time to chat during the day! Which is even better since noone else on my msn list is around during the day... well I lie... I got Danni... much love Danni!! My cousin is a sweetie too... everyday she is stressed out over her schooling... but I know when she is in her classroom teaching those little ones she'll be so happy she went through all the hard work she is going through today.... This weekend we have decided to go on a road trip... We've decided to go and check out the Calgary Zoo... It's going to be warmer this weekend... and honestly I think it's gonna be one of the last nice weekends before the final snow hits... We have been teased here in Alberta... we have been snowed on and frozen and we have now been getting a freakish warm spell right (or will be later this week) ... So time to hit the road and take advantage of this weather we will be having...
Well... we decided to do nothing tonight... Actually we tried to go and see my brother's car.... Him and my Mother came into the store today and I got to see my brother and we yapped about his brush with death... Man his buddy doesn't sound like he is doing good... and Jay looks like hell... half of his face is bruising and his whole right side of his body is all bruised... He has a hard time breathing... But he is fine!! No broken bones and no surgeries... unlike his co-workers that were in the car with him... His passenger is gonna be in the hospital for quite sometime now... his upper body is practically being re-built... I guess his ribs are all shattered and his arm and collar bone and leg are all fucked too... :shock: Poor guy... and the other passenger is going back to the hospital today to get his arm operated on... So Jay was a very lucky guy to sqweak out of that with out a scratch... Sure he may be sore... but it could have been a WHOLE lot worse.... We didn't get to see the car... I am hoping tommorow I can go when it is light out and can see his car... the yard was locked and it was dark out so we were unable to see a thing... So I'm gonna attempt to go and see it tommorow and take pics of it... I hear it's pretty smashed up...
The night was very very boring for me... I'm not American and I don't care about the election.... and frankly when there is an election going on around here I don't find myself to be overly concerned about it either... Amercians are lucky... with any luck one of the canidates will win and this election stuff is over for them... But us Canadians still have another election!! Urgh!! or is that just us Albertians?? Anyways... Daddy crashed early... and I was left sitting there staring at election polls and re-runs... yawn... So I opted for my comfy bed.... and with that we called it a night...
Hope you all had a great day... and until tommorow take care y'all!!
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| Must be Monday.... what a way to start this month... |
| 11.02.04 (9:36 am) [edit] |
[b]Monday, November 1st, 2004...[/b]
What a weird morning.... This morning we awoke realizing what happened last night... [i]Which in my mind is still fucked up!! [/i]Not only did we awake with the extremely akward feeling of last night... but Daddy awoke with a sore foot... not just sore... it was red and puffy and looked like it might be broken!! Daddy says it really hurts and he is wondering if it isn't broken himself... We think... [i]how did this happen?? [/i]Then :roll: [i]ohh ya... last night.... [/i] So no gym for Daddy this morning and I was in no mood to not go... so he opted to drop me off at the gym while he sat in emergency trying to get an x-ray to see if things are broken... or just sprained... I managed to do do 100 minutes of cardio... so I guess that would be an hour and forty minutes... Not bad!! I wanted to accomplish at least an hour and a half... So ten more minutes doesn't hurt!... Just as I was finishing up my work-out when Daddy showed up hobbling in like an old man... turns out it's just bruised or sprained.... he should be able to get back on the work-out bandwagon again tommorow...
Damn Halloween and all of the candy that comes along with the holiday.... We weere giving out candy at the store the week leading up to this sunday... and now that the holiday hub bub is all done... We are left with a box full of mini chocolate bars and have been slowly chewing through them :oops: damn it!! Even though I am puling major cardio hours I still managed to scarf down 1000+ cals in choclate bars in a slow afternoon.... and today was slow!! But not only was today slow... today was semi surreal for me... I got a phone call from my Mother early this afternoon... and she sounded very strange... the first thing I thought was... [i]my Grandfather is dead... or dying....[/i] But my Mother goes on to say... [i]"your brother was in a really bad car accident this morning on his way to work...." [/i] WHAA?? :shock: Jay?? Is he okay?? .... She then goes on to tell me that[i] "he is ok... but his buddy who was in the car with him is clinging to life...." [/i]Bummer ... that's not good... [i]"Jay is mentally fucked up from all of this and he isn't feeling good... his back and neck and his legs are all sore..." [/i]:( Poor Jay! I hope his friend makes it... I know my brother and I know he'd never forgive himself if his buddy doesn't pull through this... BUT the real thing here is... the accident was my brother's fault... meaning... his insurance is gonna go through the roof! Not just that... his car is written off! So I guess he doesn't have to worry about insurance anymore.... Even though these are the first things I think of right away being major factoring results of his accident I am sure there is gonna be way more financial and mental bullshit that is gonna come along with all of this too... The funny thing is... a few months ago Daddy was driving around with my brother... He only had to get driven [i]maybe[/i] 20 blocks by Jay.. but he thought the whole time... [i]Man.. this guy is gonna be in a huge accident one of these days soon[/i]... and whadya know... he was right!
With a very odd afternoon behind us and the day is now turning to night thoughts of food start to wander into our minds... We were thinking about going to our favorite burger place... Just then our buddy D pops up online... [i]once again I give praise to the msn gods such a great program[/i].... Anyways... it was ironic that D should pop up online... Daddy and I were just thinking about him and we were thinking about giving him a call to come and get burgers with us... His head has been pounding... Poor guy has one wicked headache... he wasn't into the outing ... but he invited us to come over to his place and have pizza with him... OK... We're always up to hanging out with someone when we have the time to... and since we get off work early tonight... Why not?.... So after we closed up we went to D's place ... We discussed our night last night and how fucked up family can be... I also mentioned my brother's accident... Just then D starts to tell us that this mornng when he was driving his roomie to work he saw a car that got totalled getting towed past him... and when he saw it he thought... WOW... whoever was in that car is sure hurting... Not to mention the fact that the car wasn't even recognizable as a neon... All D could say was... [i]when I saw that blue car ... all I thought to myself was I hope nobody was in the passanger seat.... [/i]Just then... :idea: I realized that's my brother's car he is talking about!! He goes on to say... [i]ya that car was wrecked and the SUV that hit it was almost dent free.... [/i]That's when I realized it [i]WAS[/i] Jay's car he was talking about.... Jay was hit by a Navigator... a dodge neon vrs. a navigator.... I am lucky I have my brother today....
With Daddy's foot aching and D's head still pounding... We decided to call it a night and left D for the night... When we got home we talked more about the days events and Daddy got his weight of his foot and for the first time since 5:30 this morning we finally were able to rest and relax.... I hope you all have had a better start to this week that we have...
Until tommorow take care of yourselves and Hey!! Look both ways before you turn left! It's your life!!
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| Family fista cuffs!! |
| 11.01.04 (11:04 am) [edit] |
[b]Sunday, October 31st, 2004...[/b]
Well... I was up early this morning... was anyone else b'cus of this daylight savings time switch?? When I was a young party girl... the thought of the hours being turned back was great!! It ment more time to sleep in tommorow and more time to party tonight :? If you see any reasoning in that thought pattern.... Now that I think of it that thought pattern makes no bloody sence at all!! But then again what thought pattern does makes sence to a 19 year old when they are hopped up on vodka and cigarettes... [i]ha ha ha[/i]... ahhhhh... to be young and retarded again.... Actually just to be retarded again in general... some days my mind just runs and runs and it knows too much!!.... & sometimes too little... which makes for a great 'retard' day but makes for a mental let down of a day... I find that when I don't know something... it is upsetting and frustrating b'cus I feel like a boob... But some people thrive off not knowing shit... it's like knowing something is making you accountable... ???? I don't get it... and frankly I really don't care to delve into different personal accounts of indivduals I know that present this same thing I am disscussing... It's just really not an interesting blog topic... Sooo back to my day.... This morning we did an amazing 2 hours of cardio.... I have never felt so refreshed and charged! Daddy was feeling the burn too... it's just too bad he's feeling it in the way of sore legs.... Hopefully they'll feel better by tommorow... b'cus we are both very excited about starting our hour + cardio work-outs this coming up week....
We don't really have any special plans for today... being Halloween and all it seems everyone is out and about doing spooky things... I do have some errands to run... So we figured the best place to go would be a mall... and what better mall to go to than the biggest mall in the world!! So off to WEM we were gonna go... well DUH!! We must have been on crack b'cus when we got to the area around the mall the parking lot looked packed and there were kids running around everywhere.... DUH!! It is Halloween... malls do a 'safe halloween' indoor candy give away... and if you're a kid... what mall would you go to if you had a choice to get candy at one?? It would be the biggest one... wouldn't it??Well I think the majority of children and parents had the same idea... So to the mall we didn't go.... Instead we opted for a nice walk along Whyte Ave and did some window shopping.... I'm trying to find myself a new scarf.... Didn't manage to find one that tickled my fancy though...
Tonight we did have plans... phew... We're not candy hander outers... The previous years we have made like hermits and have headed for the dark dwellings of our humble abode.... lights off... door bell disconnected.... blinds drawn... But tonight we have dinner plans with Daddy's family... I guess his grandparents are in town and since we haven't seen them in months we're expected to make an appearance... Ugh... We're really not into hanging out with Daddy's Nanny and Papa... Everytime we are around them things turn into an argument with his Papa or his Nanny is a complete wench to me or us..... :shock: Really?? You are all probably wondering... Ya... Daddy's G'parents are real class acts.... How the night is gonna goe is anyone's guess... At first I thought we were gonna all go out for dinner but as it turns out they decided to stay at home and deal with all the trick or treaters... ding dong... ding dong... urgh... that is gonna get old [i]real[/i] fast tonight... As things got going all was going well... We were actually all having good convos... Nanny and Papa aren't too overly opintionated tonight... [i]like they are most times... [/i]Daddy's Dad and Mom aren't nit picking at one another.... and even Cork isn't pestering his mother with his idea of sarcastic constructive critisisms... We got to talk about our five year plan and hear his Papa tell us about we're off our rocker ... but you know what... you'll see... Nobody thought we'd have our house paid off in five years... and we have done it in three!! So when I tell you that in 5 years our plan is to be practically retired... if not fully retired ... and quite possibly living in a warmer climate... you will see.... Papa... You will see... So we decided to drop it at that... and Papa desides he is gonna tell us about an article he read in the paper today about how it is ok to be sexual and catholic!! The article is trying to make catholics realize or know that it is okay to 'do it'.... and since this is in the paper and Papa belives the written gossple of the daily paper he starts to preach to us about how our business is gonna increase 1000% b'cus now the catholics know they can 'do it'.. :roll: GIVE US A BREAK!!.... This article isn't going to change anything business wise for us... and frankly I wish Papa was right... but unfortunatly he isn't and we aren't going to be overloaded with Catholics banging on our door looking for the kinky getting it on goods... But Papa instisted that this be written down somewhere... write it down that in a year our business is gonna be better by 100% or more b'cus or this new catholic revolation... [i]ya right... [/i]So Daddy's Mom writes it down to humour him and things cool down... Dinner was great... Daddy's dad made my steak just right and everything had so much flavour to it... I must admit.. things have been tasting better and I have been feeling better... I think this work-out stuff is making me happy again...
So with full bellies and the need to still yap... the conversation turns to parenting and house cleaning... that's when Daddy speaks up about how he feels and tells his mother that what she 'thinks' was great parenting on her part wasn't.... OOH AHH ARRR!! Tempers start to rise.... what?? Daddy then starts to mention how she can't even clean her house... she has no job... no responsibilities.... no cats... no kids... she has nothing to do at all except for shop! So why can't her house be cleaned ... by her?? You tell me?? Well... things by this time have been verbally heated and Papa in an ignornate and dylusional state of mind says... [i]"She needs a house keeper... this house is a mess b'cus of you two!" [/i]:shock: EXCUSE ME?? We haven't lived in their house for more than a handful of years... and the last time Daddy was there I don't think he dumped out a bag of garbage on the floor before he left.... I also don't think it was Daddy who bought all the trinkets and bullshit that clutters up their house... But in Papa's view: it IS us... Well... I turn and start to verbally defend myself and Daddy... I may have been sarcastic and a slight bit snotty but I said there is NO way that house is in the state that it is b'cus of us... It is b'cus of those that live there.... He then resorts to call me an 'idiot' and a 'zero'... just then Daddy's Dad hops in front of me and gets right in Papa's face and tells him he is to NEVER say that to me again and that he has no right to be talking about me or to me like that... as the verbal war got going one or the other pushed the other... and things esscalated real quick!! Before I knew it Papa and Daddy's Dad are pushing each other around the kitchen yelling and screaming at one another and then Daddy gets in there to break them up telling them to stop it... just as Daddy's Dad tells him what Papa said about me and why he is in Papa's face.... "he called her a zero!".... Daddy then turned a darker shade of red and went furious... he grabbed his Papa and pushed him into the wall yelling at him "you NEVER call her a ZERO... YOU"RE the ZERO"..... All I remember is running after Daddy asking and pleading for him to let go and to leave.... He let go and a glass smashes on the floor and Daddy's Mom and Nanny's skreaching comes to an end... and everyone runs to a defence... Daddy and I head for the door... followed closly by his parents telling us and pleading to us to not be angry... don't be mad... we're sorry.... I'm so so sorry is all my mother in-law could say to me as we left.... [i]"I may not have children and I may not have a fulltime job outside of the same office as my husband.... but b'cus I am not a mother or indivdual care provider for myself doesn't make me a zero... I don't have to be a housewife to be of some worth...."[/i] is all I could say as we left.....
We knew something like that was gonna happen... I didn't think things would get physical but things always get very verbally heated when we have family dinners with Nanny and Papa.... I don't think we're gonna be seeing them again.... It never ends on a nice note and they always leave us feeling like shit.... Family or not... they don't show signs of being what I consider to be family.... so why should we consider them to be?? Finally home time and nothing has happened to our house... I can't help but worry on Halloween... are they gonna eggs us b'cus we're not handing out candy?? [i]ha ha ha[/i]... so silly and probably urban mythy.... but I still can't help but think[i]... maybe this year[/i].... Another year clear... no eggs on the house and we are finally home to decompress from all the mental mind blowing bullshit we experienced tonight..... WOW... what a night....
Well.. I hope you all had a great halloween day/night... and I hope your week starts of great!! So until tommorow... take care y'all
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Welcome to my blog!!
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